The Jokes & Funny Thread ...
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12608 Registered: Jul-05 | i used to have 1 of these a while ago so let me start it back - u guys feel free to post stuff too BUT PLEASE KEEP IT CLEAN ! ... here goes : The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?......  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 11669 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12611 Registered: Jul-05 | These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS " At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law." Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly" At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!" Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts." In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends." On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor." A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS" A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road." On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.' Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice' A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest. Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead' A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!' Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center".........  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 11743 Registered: Jun-06 | LOLOLOL. Where do you get these? | ||||
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12613 Registered: Jul-05 | c'mon man - dont tell me ur pictures stack is running short funny pix r allowed too ya know ! .....  was saving some for tomorrow but here's more 4 ya These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." .....  |
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Gold Member Username: BasssquaredKansas Post Number: 1686 Registered: Nov-06 | how bout this one if your posting dumb jokes in the off topic section then your name is Rovin lmfao hahahah | ||||
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New member Username: JervsPost Number: 8 Registered: Dec-07 | Keep it coming...I like the sign jokes tho it wasn't really a joke. | ||||
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 11840 Registered: Jun-06 | I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny? Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and THAT'S when the fight started . . .  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 11841 Registered: Jun-06 | Merry Christmas everyone. http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12620 Registered: Jul-05 |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12621 Registered: Jul-05 | .... |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12622 Registered: Jul-05 |     ... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 11893 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Gold Member Username: CarguyPost Number: 6874 Registered: Nov-04 | This is classic. I loved this one. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12633 Registered: Jul-05 | Some holidays stuff : Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer 1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. Christmas Elf 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. 11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. =================================== Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus Christmas Santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa.  " 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us. ======================== A parent's night before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, While Dad and I faced the evening with dread: A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! Christmas Santa We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!... |
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Silver Member Username: Mrskullz1Brooklyn, New York Post Number: 781 Registered: Feb-07 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12666 Registered: Jul-05 | Attainable New Year's Resolutions This year, I resolve to... - Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - Stop exercising. Waste of time. - Read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. - Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. - Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. - Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. - Not have eight children at once. - Get in a whole NEW rut! - Start being superstitious. - Personal goal: bring back disco. - Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. - Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. - Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. - Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords. - Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. - Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. - Not eat cloned meat. - Create loose ends. - Get more toys. - Get further in debt. - Not believe politicians. - Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. - Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. - Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. - Stay off the International Space Station. - Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. - Associate with even worse business clients. - Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. - Wait around for opportunity. - Focus on the faults of others. - Mope about my faults. - Never make New Year's resolutions again..... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12128 Registered: Jun-06 | Amen. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12244 Registered: Jun-06 | Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and HOrny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich . Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ..Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration. " Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow". Have a great year.  |
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Gold Member Username: •cam•BC Canada Post Number: 1561 Registered: Nov-06 | Nice, Paul. Good idea, bringing this back. I have nothing funny to say, besides: go check out some Mitch Hedberg. He's a f.ckin' comic genius. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12713 Registered: Jul-05 | A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!" =================================== A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" =========================== A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'." ..... |
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Platinum Member Username: LklivesPost Number: 13899 Registered: Jan-06 | Big Brother?.. http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf |
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Platinum Member Username: LklivesPost Number: 13900 Registered: Jan-06 | Old Lady -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please . The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12354 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 14292 Registered: Dec-03 | aw, that is funny! |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12770 Registered: Jul-05 | good 1 LK ! here's more The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" ====================== A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" =============== A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the @ss." .... .... |
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Silver Member Username: Steph_ravenCartier is my boy toy!..., U wanna play... Canada Post Number: 302 Registered: May-06 | A WOMAN WHO READS > > One morning her husband returns after several hours of fishing and > decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife > decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, >anchors, and begins to read her book. > > Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the >woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" > > "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?). > >"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her. > >"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." > > "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start >at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." > > "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexu al assault," says >the woman. > > "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden. > > "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you >could start at any moment." > > "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. > > MORAL OF THIS STORY: > > Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think PS. nice to see u around LK...cheers! |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12470 Registered: Jun-06 | Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.' |
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Gold Member Username: AdddisorderPalm Beach, Florida Post Number: 5785 Registered: Jan-06 | good ones guys and girl |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 14343 Registered: Dec-03 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12817 Registered: Jul-05 | The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." ========================== This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well sheit, Goddamn, hell, f@ck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a f@ckin' tree." ========================= A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the cr0tch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your pen!s in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted d!ck and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!" ...... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12529 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 14360 Registered: Dec-03 | ^^^That's priceless! |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12634 Registered: Jun-06 | Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Karon and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Karon said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in th e woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes to the fact that mar1juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for coca1ne and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Karon can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllooo .. bottles won't fit in printer! March Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months .. box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out! May Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets! June Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car was swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C"... isn't it? October Hate M & M's .. they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! December Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone! THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) "My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'" |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12689 Registered: Jun-06 | It's a tad long but worth it! HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. ''' Since there is more''' than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A". |
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Gold Member Username: •cam•BC Canada Post Number: 1750 Registered: Nov-06 | LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was awesome, Paul. Thank you. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12716 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12930 Registered: Jul-05 | Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long distance company. They asked for my late father by name. "I'm sorry," I answered, "but he's dead." Their reply, "May I leave a number in case the situation changes?" =============== Two lesb!ans were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar. "Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her spread out on my sheets." "No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut." ============ This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards... ========== One of my friends was dating a blonde girl that wasn't too bright to say the least. Often she would come up with the most stupid comments that at first got us all laughing, but after a while also became a bit annoying to some. One day we were sitting in a pool hall talking. The blonde participated in the discussion, and when she came up with an even for unusually stupid comment one of my friends couldn't take it anymore. So he said to her "You must have vacuum in your head". This upset her. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and replied, "At least it's better than nothing". ============= Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang. -From EE Times, October 8, 1996 ==================== The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of bre@st milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers....... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12896 Registered: Jun-06 | REDNECK TREE SWING:  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12931 Registered: Jun-06 | Why I fired my secretary...... Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.  |
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Gold Member Username: •cam•BC Canada Post Number: 1845 Registered: Nov-06 | That was awesome. Thanks. | ||||
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 12971 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 14627 Registered: Dec-03 | That is some funny stuff....LOL! |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 12970 Registered: Jul-05 | An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same." ====================== Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the p\enis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the p\enis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" ========================= A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing." He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them." He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off." And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off. ......... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13001 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13173 Registered: Jun-06 | Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" * * * * * * * * * * * Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" * * * * * * * * * * * The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" * * * * * * * * * * * Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?" * * * * * * * * * * * Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ." |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13174 Registered: Jun-06 | The miracle of toilet paper Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13175 Registered: Jun-06 | Best one of the day!!!! WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and</font> A 1 lb. Pac kage of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity got the better of her and she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.' You laughed admit it!!Lol. |
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Gold Member Username: •cam•BC Canada Post Number: 1870 Registered: Nov-06 | Thanks, guys. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13005 Registered: Jul-05 | Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a v!brator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f@ck herself!" ================================== An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop f@cking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The pr!ck didn't sign his name!" =============================== An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife". ==================== Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week." Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?" ......... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13203 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 14715 Registered: Dec-03 | Funny stuff...I gotta compile this into a book. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13073 Registered: Jul-05 | A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it." ====================== Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F@ck, Etc." ===================== Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her v1brator stuck inside of her. "To remove that v1brator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?" ================================== A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both test!cles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our b@lls trying to decide what to do first." ........ |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13587 Registered: Jun-06 | LITTLE RALPHY A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and suck ed the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13588 Registered: Jun-06 | LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!' The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.' Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13615 Registered: Jun-06 | Things to Ponder: 1. Cows; 2. The Constitution; and 3. The Ten Commandments. Cows: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But t hey are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environ ment. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13791 Registered: Jun-06 | The puzzle ------------------------- A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......." |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13159 Registered: Jul-05 | paul stop bumming around the internet on company time & get ur azz back to work ..... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13793 Registered: Jun-06 | Slow day. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13805 Registered: Jun-06 | This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men - he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women - she loved to browse. One day, Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart: * * * * * Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. June 15: Took 24 boxes of cond0ms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M;'s on layaway. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look, "by using different sizes of funnels. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" And last, but not least.... December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13164 Registered: Jul-05 | Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." =================== Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! =============== A husband said to his wife "Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub." She replied "But you NEVER take me out." "I'm not," said the husband, "but I'm turning the heating off before I go." ===================== A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..." ========================= 51 DAYS A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! " ....... } |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13836 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13897 Registered: Jun-06 | The divorce letter: Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years And I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the Last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that Connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! >> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~ Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more complete than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that it doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something Nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After a ll of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you have always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 15127 Registered: Dec-03 | |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13936 Registered: Jun-06 | WHEN GIRLS DON'T PUT OUT !! (This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart). I never quite figured out why the séxual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that about?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing séxual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.  |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13178 Registered: Jul-05 | ^^^heard that 1 b4 but its still ..... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13965 Registered: Jun-06 | Sorry. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 13987 Registered: Jun-06 | Only the Irish have Jokes Like These Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp " What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. " That little sh1t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ******************************************************************************** ************************** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. " Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" " Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ******************************************************************************** *************************** Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' ******************************************************************************** ************************* A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 14215 Registered: Jun-06 | The love story of Ralph and Edna Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is...Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Happy Mental Health day! |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 14216 Registered: Jun-06 | This is amazing! This was in the Black Canyon of the Gunnison NP and the picture was on the front page of the Grand Junction , CO paper.. Read Caption on 1st photo then look at second photo  Look at the picture above and you can see where this guy broke through the guardrail, right side where the people are standing on the road (pointing). The pick-up was traveling from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which he was traveling. Now look at the 2nd picture below....  I'd be playing the lotto the next day if I were him lol. |
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Gold Member Username: PitbullguyThe poster formerly kn... Post Number: 2894 Registered: Oct-06 | CHINESE SICK LEAVE....'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!' Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13280 Registered: Jul-05 |       ...... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 14949 Registered: Jun-06 | When Grandma Goes To Court Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded , 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 14950 Registered: Jun-06 | A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" |
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Gold Member Username: Hawaiian_timeKanaka freak... Post Number: 1873 Registered: Apr-06 |  |
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Bronze Member Username: Db10Post Number: 21 Registered: Oct-07 | The Ballonist and the Manager A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well" said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem." |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin4 10 Pioneer... Post Number: 13383 Registered: Jul-05 | No $ Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house n\aked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and n\aked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. " The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed." ============================== A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!" ======================================= "That b@stard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!" ........ |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15297 Registered: Jun-06 | HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. "Cooter" |
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Bronze Member Username: Db10Post Number: 22 Registered: Oct-07 | The Original Computer Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy .
. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out! |
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Bronze Member Username: Db10Post Number: 23 Registered: Oct-07 | Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this... Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 42nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed i t against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasse s perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst w ould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MA SS DESTRUCTION! (&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both n i p p l e s on fire, t e s t i c l e s nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor A three second burst would be considered conservative. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both n i p p l e s were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my t e s t i c l e s and offering a significant reward for their safe return. |
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Diamond Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15695 Registered: Jun-06 | A man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received following report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kisses he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Chen Lee |
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Diamond Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15696 Registered: Jun-06 | An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. " So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15835 Registered: Jun-06 | This is a keeper. Fishing Trip A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant . Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fUcking with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15836 Registered: Jun-06 | FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN  The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to Pass it before you can get into Heaven.' Forrest responds, 'It sure is Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test As it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?' Forrest leaves to think the questions Over. He returns the next day and sees St Peter, who waves him up, and Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, Tell me your answers' Forrest replied, 'Well, the First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds In a year?' Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ' 'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give You credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'? 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated And frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 'Shucks, that was the easiest One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, And said: 'Run Forrest, run.' Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks. |
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Gold Member Username: Denali_on_22sI get Bucks like Milwa... Post Number: 5266 Registered: Feb-06 | Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! 'It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,? Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked... |
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Gold Member Username: Denali_on_22sI get Bucks like Milwa... Post Number: 5267 Registered: Feb-06 | One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a g4y club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." -- |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 15958 Registered: Jun-06 | A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the Dining room table: To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value You as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will Not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall return home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following Letter on the dining room table: To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you Are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local College. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I Will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also The assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, He is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you Will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small Difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16008 Registered: Jun-06 | JERSEY GIRL A young woman in New Jersey was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Delaware River . She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and, in return, he's screwing me. He certainly is,' the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May - Lewes Ferry.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16009 Registered: Jun-06 | On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16041 Registered: Jun-06 | This is what happens when city folk move to the country lol.  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16042 Registered: Jun-06 | Just cause. http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16496 Registered: Jun-06 | An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.' The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!' The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16526 Registered: Jun-06 | Loving husband A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s/e/x, don't resist, don't complain; do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gAy, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!" |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16628 Registered: Jun-06 | A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a g@y bar. "But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink." When the g@y waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink." The g@y waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because ...... IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 16697 Registered: Jun-06 | A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Black man in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator In my pool & I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash & every- one turned around & saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its azz ! Leroy was jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts & Choke holds, biting the gator on th e tail & flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning & splashing everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator were screaming & raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex & some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!" |
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Bronze Member Username: Db10Post Number: 26 Registered: Oct-07 | Disorder In The Court... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ================================================== =================== ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*t'in me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was get'in laid! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you sh*t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------- ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 15 = 149.1DBsTrinidad & T... Post Number: 13828 Registered: Jul-05 | A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child." ====================== An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my pen1s" ? The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans pen1s. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"! He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?" The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away. ====================== This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of cond0ms. The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large cond0ms". So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of cond0m's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know. So the lady asks him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium cond0ms" So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action. So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of cond0ms" The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know" So the lady asks him to pull down his pants . When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12" ........ |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 15 = 149.1DBsTrinidad & T... Post Number: 13838 Registered: Jul-05 | A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she f@rts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?" ================= A blonde walks into a telegraph office to send an emergency telegram to her mom overseas. The man at the counter says "That'll be $150." The blonde says, "Oh no! I don't have that much but this is very important - I'll do Anything to send a telegram to my mom." The man says, "Anything??" Yes, she says. So, he says come back here to the back room. So she does. Now, get on your knees. She does. Now, pull it out. She does. Now hold it in your hand. So she does. Now Go For It Baby! And so she yells as loud as she can, "Hello MOM?!?!" ====================== Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween! Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away! Yo mama's so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo mama's so ugly that yo daddy first met her at the pound! Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo mama's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning! Yo mama's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Planet of the Apes! Yo mama's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck! Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras! Yo mama's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo mama's so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo mama's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! ....... |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 17043 Registered: Jun-06 | Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. 'Fifty dollars!' she would cry out from the curb. 'No, Five dollars!' fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bil l and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'Fifty dollars!' And he'd yell back,'Five dollars!' One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the 'pro' would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!? |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 15 = 149.1DBsTrinidad & T... Post Number: 13885 Registered: Jul-05 | ^^^ ============= A man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received following report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Chen Lee .............. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 17118 Registered: Jun-06 | My Kind of Humor! I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
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New member Username: HeavensLos Angeles, CA Post Number: 6 Registered: Apr-07 | 0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. :-p |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 17324 Registered: Jun-06 | Got this one today.  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 17771 Registered: Jun-06 | LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL > > > According to a news report, a certain school was recently faced with a > unique problem. > > A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put > it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick > they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip > prints. > > Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the > girls would put them back. > > Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all > the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He > explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the > custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. > > To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he aske d > the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took > out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror > with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. > > THE MORAL OF THIS STORY. > > There are teachers, ..... and then there are Educators. |
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Silver Member Username: Cd5honda96OR United States Post Number: 118 Registered: Jun-08 | 1. No wasted beer in the name of humor. 1A) Have fun but be honorable, respect women, only a real man can achieve this. 2.It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control 3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it's a 6 day waiting period. 4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend's home) 5. Short shorts have been banned... Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar. 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. 7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumba$s. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you. 8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death. 9. When bringing cond0m$ to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need. 10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets. 11. No man shall ever use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you're not a man. 12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it. 13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours. 14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed. 15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun. Addendum to Man Law No.15: If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really $hitty and the owner doesn't care about muddy seats. 16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober. 17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom. 18. You poke it you own it. 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men. 20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in $exual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out. 21. A man should not m@sturb@te more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count... rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day. 22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E ... Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet... or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants... (Or any other article of clothing). 23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar. 24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances. 25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of b00ty. 26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick $hit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting. 27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies. 28.If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry" 29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you. 30. under no circumstance should any one man co<kblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let's just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that co<kblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbit<h. 31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day. 32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's a$s or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn't mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used if said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crot<h is only called for in cases of r@pe. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crot<h. If it is a case of r@pe however, multiple shots to the crot<h are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since r@pe is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield). 33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved. 34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbit<h and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships. 35. Women can't drive. 36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10. 37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not. 38.Any man that is old enough and is not in the military should at least support the troops, even if you don't agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support 39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past. 40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. 41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal. 42. A man will not live in his parent's house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war. 43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room. 44.$ex is more important then talking 45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm. 46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking. 47.No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat 48.Men will invite other men to Man Law 49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it's not their brand." 50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not. 51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes. 52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza. 53. If you spill a man's beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup. 54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can't drink it in said time, don't open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review. 55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped. 56. It is never a man's responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor's lawn. 57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer. 58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite $ex. His actions will be given leeway. 59. The bachelor's party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment). 60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It's understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality. 61. A man purse is still a purse.(David Emadi) 62. No man shall dance for fun unless it's to increase his chances with a member of the opposite $ex. 63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it's on game day and to support his team. 64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy's night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life. 65. If you do not sweat, it's not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.) 66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once. 67. No man shall wear a beret unless it's for his military service. (Samuel L.Jackson is free from this law -Mike Welborn) 68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone. 69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man. 70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, $ex. 71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story. 72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring. 73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only. 74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man. 75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand. 76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men. 77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone. 78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth. 79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch. 80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice. 81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey. 82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys. 83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle. 84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female. 85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry. 1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph. 2. Your date is using her teeth. 3. Anna Kournikova gets married. 86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing. 87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away. 88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man. 89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions. 90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have $ex with her. 91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO (Cade Mayo). 92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg). 93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.(Boots Jones) 94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence. 95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours. 96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw". 97.You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bull$hit!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%) 98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 99. Bit<hing about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable. 100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case. 101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it. 102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.(in fact, even remembering your best friend's birthday is optional) 104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things. 106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bit<h standing on the sideline. 108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding $ex, pending your response. 109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes. 110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was. 111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter. 112.When passing another man in a tight area were contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "F@g" may be deamed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status.(Cody Miller) **113. "Under no circumstance shall a man bail on his friends over a girlfriend. Unless she is hot and providing tang, there is no excuse for ditching friends on guys night out when beer is the main topic. Nor shall that man be on the phone with her all night. If she calls more than once within 10 minutes, that man is obligated to turn his phone off. No text messages, no calls. This also falls under ML # 90 in which no man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have $ex with her. If for any reason a man cuts guys night short or bails on future plans to spend time with his girlfriend for any reason other than $ex, he is officially known as the "pu$$y whipped bit<h" of the group. Consequence other than title is to purchase a free round of drinks for his buds the following time he is "allowed" to go out. (Steve Fuhrman) *This indicates how important a law is.(Not all laws have been reviewed for this) |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 17914 Registered: Jun-06 | The Buffalo Theory In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . .  'Well you see, Norm, it's like t his . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18017 Registered: Jun-06 | The Blind Cowboy A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18027 Registered: Jun-06 | Actual exam papers.          |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18028 Registered: Jun-06 | A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. ... ... ... ... .. ... .... ... ... ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!  You liked it women admit it lol. |
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Silver Member Username: Mrskullz1Brooklyn, New York Post Number: 864 Registered: Feb-07 | AHAHAHA....ROFLMFAO thats a nice one Paul...whts good with you? |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18034 Registered: Jun-06 | Wuz up skullz? Been awhile..... | ||||
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Silver Member Username: Mrskullz1Brooklyn, New York Post Number: 865 Registered: Feb-07 | nothin bro same old. how bout u? jus poppin by. dnt wan2 hijak thread but we tlk later luv the jokes |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18037 Registered: Jun-06 | Lol.Yeah. My kids are getting older, bought a camper, still loving what I love. |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18071 Registered: Jun-06 | A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge? |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18158 Registered: Jun-06 | Gentle Thoughts for Today-- 1. Birds of a feather flock together and p00p on your car. 2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 3. A penny saved is a government oversight. 4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 7. He who hesitates is probably right. 8. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.' 9. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 10. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 11. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 12. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 13. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.' 14. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 15. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 16. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. 17. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 18. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 19. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. 20. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 21. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. 22. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called w1tchcraft - Today, it's called golf. 23. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.....AMEN |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18159 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Platinum Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 posts!! Post Number: 18542 Registered: Jun-06 | LIVING IN HELL One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... SAtan : "Why so glum?" Guy : "What do you think? I'm in hell!" SAtan : "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy : "Sure, I love to drink." SAtan : "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness , wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, be cause you're dead anyway." Guy : "Gee that sounds great!" SAtan: "You a smoker?" Guy : "You better believe it" SAtan : "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remembe r? " Guy : "Wow...that's awesome!" SAtan : "I bet you like to gamble." Guy : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do " SAtan : "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." Guy : "Cool!" SAtan : "What about drugs?" Guy : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" SAtan : "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." Guy : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! " SAtan : "You gAy?" Guy : "No..." SAtan : "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough for you ... |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 15 = 149.5 DBsTrinidad & T... Post Number: 14381 Registered: Jul-05 | The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexu@l morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?" =============== A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was g@y and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!" ====================== A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken." ================= A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." ........ |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 15 = 149.5 DBsTrinidad & T... Post Number: 14382 Registered: Jul-05 | whoops sorry about the big font ... | ||||
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Silver Member Username: Mrskullz1Brooklyn, New York Post Number: 913 Registered: Feb-07 | |
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Gold Member Username: LolPost Number: 1067 Registered: Sep-06 | **Fishing Buddies** Three men were in the boat early before dawn fishing.All was quite and suddenly one said,"You know I had to promise my wife I would paint the whole house to get permission to come fishing today." The second guy says,"You're lucky.I had to promise to remodel the whole kitchen." There was then a long period of silence.Finally the first guy asks the third,"What did you have to promise to come today?" "Nothing.I just nudged her at 4:00 AM and asked her.'Sex or fishing?'" She said"Wear a sweater!" |
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