Jokes / Funnies
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9807 Registered: Jul-05 | Now that we finally got OT section i can bring my best stuff up in here & u guys with good 1s can ================================================= This is a list of rejected slogans for that local 2 star hotel... 16. We're working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets 12. Not just for nooners anymore. 11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there. 10. You rented the room, now buy the video. 9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but would you have money left over for a hooker? 8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya! 7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal! 6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better* 5. It's Hookerriffic! 4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins 3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962! 2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother 1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel" .......  |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9808 Registered: Jul-05 | If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal : "Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!" "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." ================================================= This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it? Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! That completes the test! This question tests your reasoning ability. So... * If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you. * If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. * If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. * If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. * If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine......... |
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Silver Member Username: Nyyfan13VA USA Post Number: 832 Registered: Jul-06 | what do u say to a woman who has 2 black eyes? nothing, you already told her twice. kinda old, but still funny. messed up and if i hurt anyones feelings, my bad. |
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Gold Member Username: AdddisorderWest palm, Florida Post Number: 1867 Registered: Jan-06 | hahaha leave it to rovin to start a joke thread! |
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Gold Member Username: Van_manBoston South, MA Post Number: 1254 Registered: Mar-06 | Young women,: "mom, is it true babys come out where men put thier thing in?" Mom,: "yes dear" Young women,: "But wont that push all my teeth out? |
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Gold Member Username: Logan__tilleHD3, Www.Audioque... United States Post Number: 2495 Registered: Feb-06 | LOL^^^ Heres some Rovin posted awhile ago... A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed .....Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine !!!!!.".......... A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" |
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Silver Member Username: BernymacAQ HD3!!, CA United States Post Number: 973 Registered: Sep-04 | I heard the weight loss one from my teacher. Still funny. |
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Silver Member Username: RideredderCornell, IL USA Post Number: 599 Registered: Sep-05 | SH!T Well, it's shi!t ... that's right, sh!t! Sh!t may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke sh!t, buy sh!t, sell sh!t, lose sh!t, find sh!t, forget sh!t, and tell others to eat sh!t. Some people know their sh!t, while others can't tell the difference between sh!t and shineola. There are lucky sh!ts, dumb sh!ts, and crazy sh!ts. There is bull sh!t, horse sh!t, and chicken sh!t. You can throw sh!t, sling sh!t, catch sh!t, shoot the sh!t, or duck when the sh!t hits the fan. You can give a sh!t or serve sh!t on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep sh!t or be happier than a pig in sh!t. Some days are colder than sh!t, some days are hotter than sh!t, and some days are just plain sh!tty. Some music sounds like sh!t, things can look like sh!t, and there are times when you feel like sh!t. You can have too much sh!t, not enough sh!t, the right sh!t, the wrong sh!t or a lot of weird sh!t. You can carry sh!t, have a mountain of sh!t, or find yourself up sh!t creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh!t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh!t and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your sh!t, you don't need to know anything else!! |
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Gold Member Username: Wolfman1966WEST MONROE , LOUISIANA USA Post Number: 1103 Registered: Jan-06 | Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation: Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them! |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9824 Registered: Jul-05 | pretty good so far fellars - just keep it clean or we risk this thread being deleted       ...... } |
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Gold Member Username: RedlinerWilmington, Ma Post Number: 3025 Registered: Jun-05 | lol keep em coming i miss these rovin |
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Silver Member Username: RideredderCornell, IL USA Post Number: 601 Registered: Sep-05 |  |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanalivePine hill, Nj US Post Number: 1183 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9842 Registered: Jul-05 | Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods... On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.) =============================================== The following exam was administered to gangsters as their version of the SAT, this version is known as the official GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)... 1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy: A. A dime and two 40's B. A new pair of Fila's C. Dashikki down the block D. Yo mama 2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You: A. Bust a cap in his *ss B. Say, "Sh*t man, why you all up in ma bidness?" C. Have anuther kid on welfare D. Yo mama 3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens: A. Sh!t goes down in da hood B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly C. Sh!t man, I do'no maff D. Yo mama 4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left: A. Haff B. Da uther haff C. Zum mo D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama 5) You, beein da sh!t you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese: A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's 6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You: A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's C. Gaffle da man D. I do'no maff JOG-MAFEE 7) Wher iz da mutherland at: A. Afrika B. Mehico C. Compton D. Souff Centra E. Yo mama 8) What am da capita of California? A. Da Hood B. Compton C. Compton D. Compton ANALAMA-G'S 9) Tek 9 : Gatt : A. Yo mama : Dashikki B. Fila's : Nike C. Tu pac : Barry White D. St. Ive's : Colt 45 10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic : A. Da Man : Da Systum B. ReeRun : MC Hammer C. Fat Albert : Shaft D. Yo mama : Dashikki NOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN? So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here! ================================================= Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Excuses are like a/sses everyone's got em and they all stink. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance. I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state. Never play strip poker with a n/udist, they have nothing to lose. If you can't read this, you're illiterate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. He who hesitates is boss. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never....... |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6Post Number: 11532 Registered: Dec-03 | Holy crap...I cannot stop laughing |
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Gold Member Username: StnorrisDavenport, IA US Post Number: 1670 Registered: Apr-06 | YOU KNOW YOUR FROM IOWA IF.... Down South to you means Missouri You know the answer to the question, :"Is this Heaven?" You can locate Iowa on the map You know several people who still refer to Japanese cars as "rice-burners." You have gone trick-or-treating in 2 feet of snow. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. Snow tires are standard on your car. You know several people who have hit a deer You were allowed to get a "school permit" to drive at age 14 if you lived more than a mile from school. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day You drink "pop." Whats funny about it is, they are all true. haha. especially the one about ac and heat. |
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Silver Member Username: Andrew571Stillwater/Edmond, Oklahoma USA Post Number: 254 Registered: Oct-05 | so two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks... HAHAHAHA LOLOLOL OMG LOLOLOL HAHAHA sorry :/ |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9868 Registered: Jul-05 | The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require c/astration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your t/esticles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the t/esticles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he was devastated at losing such an important part of himself. But as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long. "Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new u/nderwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your t/esticles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New u/nderwear - £6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS ============================================== > >A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking > >her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. > > > >One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, > >Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a > >leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. > > > >The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing > >some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to > >chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the > >leopard is about to > >leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! > >I wonder if there are any more around here?" > > > >Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a > >look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. > >"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" > > > >Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a > >nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade > >it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old > >poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and > >figures that something must be up. > >The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans > >and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. > > > >The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, > >monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that > >conniving canine! > > > >Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his > >back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits > >down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them > >yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. > > > >"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me > >another leopard! > > > >Moral of this story.... > > > > > >Don't mess with old f/arts...age and treachery will always overcome > >youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience........ |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9902 Registered: Jul-05 | http://www.thetobagonews.com/index.pl/article?id=9260813 i wish i could have seen those pix/videos -  ... |
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Silver Member Username: DelsolePost Number: 1000 Registered: Feb-05 | i gots blue tooth, to bad nuttin got sent to me  1000 one more till gold |
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Silver Member Username: Nyyfan13VA USA Post Number: 933 Registered: Jul-06 | my favorite joke:  |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9939 Registered: Jul-05 | The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest: 1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's p/ee-p/ee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." 2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." 3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'" 4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in s/emen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.''........ |
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Gold Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 9940 Registered: Jul-05 | You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras. If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China. You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application. If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair. You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Sh!t Happens. You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine. You're so ugly, you could model for death threats. You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator. You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror. You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone. You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you. You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet. You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents. You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning. You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo. Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur. You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone. You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock. You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've just given head." I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field. You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed. You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies. You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border. You're so ugly, you make onions cry. You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in. You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back." You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you. You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job. You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you. You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet. You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry. You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow. You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher. You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep. You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus. You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts. You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares. You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces. You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back. You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out. You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar. You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike. You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing. You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device. You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it. You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor. You're so ugly, you could model for death threats. You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator. You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror. You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone. You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you. You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet....... |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 10028 Registered: Jul-05 | Painting The Porch A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's that dumb?" "No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke e-mails we've been receiving." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ==================================== 10 polite ways to say ur zipper is down... by > David Letterman > > 10. The cucumber has left the salad. > > 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. > > 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked > position. > 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. > > 6. Elvis is leaving the building. > > 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. > > 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. > > 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. > > 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with > Venus. > > > And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped..... > > > 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. ============================================ THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . . >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened >>>>>the >>>>>night of April 1st? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front >>>>>porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on >>>>>the porch and sat down beside me. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Did you know him? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney y: Did you stop him? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Why not? >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died >>>>>some 30 years ago. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: What happened next? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: He began to rub my b\reasts. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Why not? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I >>>>>haven't felt that good in years! >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: What happened next? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just >>>>>laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" >>>>> >>>>>Defense Attorney: Did he take you? >>>>> >>>>>Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's >>>>>when I shot him, the little b@stard..... |
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Silver Member Username: Motomattic3Http://www.cardomain.c... Post Number: 248 Registered: Oct-06 | http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r158/destroyerzx1/sucks.jpg http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r158/destroyerzx1/SEXEDUCATION.jpg |
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Gold Member Username: James1115Ct Post Number: 7596 Registered: Dec-04 | Rovin, the joke man at it again I loved some of those your so ugly jokes |
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Gold Member Username: DrsmithMontana USA Post Number: 1999 Registered: Nov-04 | kyle rofl laughing, i have both those saved in my email from like 3 years ago |
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Silver Member Username: Motomattic3Http://www.cardomain.c... Post Number: 269 Registered: Oct-06 | ya I don't know where I got them from but I know that they have been on my computer since 2004 of november. |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 10060 Registered: Jul-05 | nice 1s kyle yep James u know im da king of funny jokes on ecoustics but i see Paul is da new king of funny pix Do heed this warning my peeps ! >>>>>>>  |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 10063 Registered: Jul-05 | Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog." ================================================ You're so poor... If your father didn't cut holes in your pockets at Christmas, you wouldn't have anything to play with. People from the church would run over animals in front of your house to help with food. Beggars give you money. You don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of. When you asked your mom what's for dinner she opened her legs and said spaghetti! Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked what they were doing you said, "moving". You have too jack off your dog too feed your cat If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!" You can't afford to pay attention A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?" Your parents got married for the rice. I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one." When you asked what was for dinner your mom put her foot on the table and said corn. You live in a 2 story cracker jack box. Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window. When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner." You have to f\art to get a scent (cent). You're so poor your mother couldn't afford to have you...the lady next door had you. You go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers. You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex. Burglars bring things to you. ================================================ Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. He has less going on upstairs than a one story house. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter. A few bricks shy of a full load....... |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinTrinidad & T... Post Number: 10064 Registered: Jul-05 | You know you're old, when your mind and body aren't what they used to be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do your knees buckle, but your belt won't? Have your beauty marks sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap, crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don't remember the last 3 blocks? Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do? Does a dripping faucet cause an uncontrollable bladder urge? Have you seen territory on the scale that no one who isn't pregnant ever wants to see? Have you searched all over the house for something and finally found it ... right where it was suppose to be? Does the idea of laying on the floor to watch TV strike you as uncomfortable? Remember when you did it all the time? Have you dialed a number and then gotten distracted? When the person you called came to the phone, you had no idea who you called or why. Do you groan a little when you bend over or get up? What doesn't hurt, doesn't work, right? You Know You're Old, If You Remember Ancient History. Did you watch or listen to Ed Sullivan, the Brat Pack, Max Headroom, Bobby Sherman, the Mamas & the Papas, K.C. and the Sunshine Band or Captain Kangaroo? Did you once own a lot of 45s ... records, not guns? Have your children studied events in history that you lived through .... the Kennedy and King assassinations, Viet Nam, the Bi-Centennial and the first landing on the moon? Did you learn to read with Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot and Puff? At one time, did you think pong, 8-track tapes or cars with fins were cutting edge technology? Dollar a gallon gas does not strike you as THAT cheap. You can remember when if was under 50 cents a gallon and full service, too. Did you attended school when dress codes forbid girls to wear pants to class? ( They were considered too casual.) Do you remember girdles? (UGH!) Have things you owned shown up on Antiques Road Show? Is "25 Years Ago Today" your favorite part of the newspaper? Can you remember B.C.... Before Computers? Do you remember when they programmed computers with cards? (Shuffling them would drive the programmer really nuts.) Have the fashions of your youth come back in style? Do you look bad in them the second time around? Do you remember when the first MacDonald's came to your community or the first family on the block got color TV? As a kid, did your parents buy you tennis shoes because they were cheap? Can you sing the theme song to "Green Acres," "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Gilligan's Island." Do you remember when sit-com couples slept in double beds and no one on TV talked about sex? When you were young, did you think the world would be like the Jetsons in the year 2000? You Know You're Old, Because Your Spirit Is Willing... But the Rest of You Wants a Nap. Do you have to do math to remember your age? (OK, it's 2002 and I was born in 1954, so I must be 48.) Do you feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere? Do the current heartthrobs look like young pups to you? Do you get winded playing cards? Have your children begun to look middle aged? Do you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge? OK, maybe a little ... Do your children refer to your friends as "the old ladies" and other equally depressing things? Do you regret resisting temptation? After painting the town red, do you have to rest a while before applying a second coat? Does dialing long distance wear you out? Have you found that you can't stand people who are intolerant? Is the best part of your day over when your alarm clock goes off? Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high... trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it's just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They're young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally... there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time......... |
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Gold Member Username: Van_manBoston South, MA Post Number: 1416 Registered: Mar-06 | The Wedding Test I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come upstairs to my bedroom,and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your c ondoms in your car". |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Premier... Post Number: 10101 Registered: Jul-05 | Great as humor, bad as ads... 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ...... |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Premier... Post Number: 10102 Registered: Jul-05 |       .............. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Premier... Post Number: 10182 Registered: Jul-05 |           \1(hey u guys feel free to contribute stuff - just keep it clean so that myprecious thread wont get deleted} ... |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveNj US Post Number: 2209 Registered: Jun-06 |  |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Premier... Post Number: 10305 Registered: Jul-05 |   ....... |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinNew sub : 1 ... Post Number: 10480 Registered: Jul-05 | January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. > >February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... >Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! > >March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 >months....box said "2-4 years!" > >April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!! > >May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of >water won't fit into those little packets!!! > >June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. > >July - Lost breast stroke swimming >competition.....learned later, > >the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! > >August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm.....car swamped >because soft-top was open. > >September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? > >October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. > >November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. >Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! > >December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" >button on the stupid phone!!! > >What a year!! > >Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! MSN Messenger Download today >it's FREE! > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Angelica Antoine" <sexy_angel2004123@hotmail.com> To: slim_lynel@yahoo.com, cute_kimmell@hotmail.com, rdavid@totalinfosys.com, CRYSTEL_G@hotmail.com, bumperinderoad@yahoo.com, jimhunte@hotmail.com, strongie14@yahoo.com, cmqueen_b@hotmail.com, leviat10@hotmail.com, shardalutchman@yahoo.com, earudien@hotmail.com, kieran_mohammed@hotmail.com, Desiree_Noel@hotmail.com, empressgirl23@yahoo.com, russel@huggins-shipping.com, samantha_alicia@hotmail.com, sweetman1833@yahoo.com, crummbz001@hotmail.com, sweet_angeljeanine44@hotmail.com, Jo_bones@hotmail.com Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 17:15:18 +0000 > > > >>From: "Lyndon Lawrence" <lynfee@hotmail.com> >>To: desiree_noel@hotmail.com, kyliene@hotmail.com, >>cocoa_bro@islandmix.com, NIGELDARCEUIL@hotmail.com, >>Sexy_Angel2004123@hotmail.com >>Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:09:26 -0400 >> >> >> >> >>>From: "Maureen Arrindell" <maureen@cc-limited.com> >>>To: <roseanna@cc-limited.com>, <judy.codrington@aig.com>, >>><pandrewstnt@aol.com>, <realwoman100@hotmail.com>, >>><natasha_pmarsh@yahoo.com>, "'Lyndon Lawrence'" >>><lynfee@hotmail.com>, "'Alicia'" <asr@ycbdirect.com>, >>> "'Elicia Rivers'" <erivers@nmmotors.com> >>>Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>>Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2007 10:35:14 -0400 >>> >>> >>> >>>-----Original Message----- >>>From: deighton devonshire [mailto:deighton_d@hotmail.com] >>>Sent: Saturday, January 13, 2007 12:37 AM >>>To: annalisa.cyrus@ansamcal.com; tonie_7@msn.com; >>>princesschow@hotmail.com; thighty_12@hotmail.com; >>>rochel302@hotmail.com; >>>futho51@hotmail.com; esavluk@gmail.com; fudgie_pelpa@hotmail.com; >>>garv_@hotmail.com; ngweill@optonline.net; karonj24@hotmail.com; >>>triniflex@gmail.com; Kimela18@yahoo.com; lat063@aol.com; >>>ttnympho@hotmail.com; ronnashaluv@msn.com; djmorfius@hotmail.com; >>>natalyaottley@hotmail.com; liqcaramel@hotmail.com; >>>rnoreiga_6@hotmail.com; snalinesnaline@yahoo.com; >>>nytrini1981@yahoo.com; >>>tinellef@aol.com; sclarke802@yahoo.com >>>Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> >>> >>> >>> >From: "LAURELE NICOME-JACK" <ttnympho@hotmail.com> >>> >To: sweetavy45@hotmail.com, lilginger19@hotmail.com, >>> >chippy0909@hotmail.com, cmbowl@hotmail.com, sagaboye@yahoo.com, >>> >blacksupreme@hotmail.com, deighton_d@hotmail.com, >>>DUANE@KIKKERLAND.COM, >>> >>> >gleacock@hotmail.com, gemayel_sick@hotmail.com, >>>giz2sweet@hotmail.com, >>> >glenroy_forde@hotmail.com, jsoulful74@hotmail.com, >>>karonj24@hotmail.com, >>> >kellyantoine@yahoo.com, lashaunp@hotmail.com, >>>Liselle.Dedier@bp.com, >>> >contactfrantic@hotmail.com, natalyaottley@hotmail.com, >>> >ndarmanie@hotmail.com, superelite20@hotmail.com, >>> >yyardmencollege@hotmail.com, rlookhong@yahoo.com, >>>sphcf@hotmail.com, >>> >seagun@hotmail.com, slystri@hotmail.com >>> >Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> >Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 15:30:09 -0400 >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >From: "Nicome-Jack,Laurele,Port-of-Spain,Factory" >>> ><laurele.nicome-jack@cbr.nestle.com> >>> >To: <ttnympho@hotmail.com> >>> >Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> >Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2007 15:06:47 -0400 >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >-----Original Message----- >>> >From: Frederick,Isaac,Port of Spain,Engineering >>> >Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 2:58 PM >>> >To: Nicome-Jack,Laurele,Port-of-Spain,Factory >>> >Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >-----Original Message----- >>> >From: Rachel Frederick [mailto:rachel.frederick@tt.rbtt.com] >>> >Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 10:03 AM >>> >To: Frederick,Isaac,Port of Spain,Engineering; Johanna Frederick >>> >(jfrederick@baico-intl.com) >>> >Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >--- >>> > >>> >Rachel Frederick <mailto:rachel.frederick@tt.rbtt.com> >>> > >>> >Technology Support Officer III >>> > >>> >Business Improvement & Operations, RBTT Bank Limited >>><www.rbtt.com> >>> > >>> >St. Augustine Shopping Complex, St. Augustine >>> > >>> >Contact Telephone: 645-7288; Fax: 663-1316 DIT 5770; Mobile: >>>748-5442 >>> > >>> >The information contained in this e-mail may be confidential >>>and/or >>>legally >>> >privileged. It has been sent for the sole use of the intended >>>recipient. >>> >If you are not the intended recipient, please immediately >>>contact the >>> >sender and delete the message from your system. >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >From: Kerdell Brereton >>> >Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 8:39 AM >>> >To: Rachel Frederick; Candice Radhay; Marion Williams; Kester K. >>>Brereton; >>> >latoya brereton; Kathy Ann Moore; kath_lyn29@tstt.net.tt; >>> >cherylanngrant@yahoo.com; Sean Nelson; Marlon Bartolo; Raoul >>>Ford; >>>Ricardo >>> >Rattan >>> >Subject: FW: BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> >January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. >>> > >>> >February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print >>>labels..... >>> >Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! >>> > >>> >March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 >>> >months....box said "2-4 years!" >>> > >>> >April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!! >>> > >>> >May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups >>>of >>> >water won't fit into those little packets!!! >>> > >>> >June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a >>>slope. >>> > >>> >July - Lost breast stroke swimming >>> >competition.....learned later, >>> > >>> >the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! >>> > >>> >August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm.....car swamped >>> >because soft-top was open. >>> > >>> >September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? >>> > >>> >October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. >>> > >>> >November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. >>> >Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! >>> > >>> >December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no >>>"eleven" >>> >button on the stupid phone!!! >>> > >>> >What a year!!......... |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinNew sub : 1 ... Post Number: 10481 Registered: Jul-05 | whoops ! ^^^ dont know how the fluck all that sh1t came on here from since i copy/pasted part it from an email i got from some person .... |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Atomic ... Post Number: 10587 Registered: Jul-05 | Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. "I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads." Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, "If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay." ================================= Man Gives Up On Women April 10, 2003 - Atlanta, USA Atlanta native auto mechanic Michael Ross publicly declares that he has given up the life long struggle to figure out what women really want. This came after a recently published report estimating American corporations had spent over $1 billion dollars in 2001 to determine what want women want from their products and marketing, and had largely failed. "If combining rooms full of highly skilled experts and truckloads of money can't figure these women out, how on earth is the typical blue collar man with $28,000 after tax dollars a year supposed to?" said Mr. Ross during an interview with Atlanta news reporters. "It may be that these women themselves have no idea what they are looking for or what will win them over. Many admit to having the exact same qualities in one man be endearing, while in another, off-putting." Mr. Ross's web site has generated over 32,000 letters of support from other men in its guest book since his announcement earlier in the day. =================================== Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle." ===================================== Worlds Cheapest Tip September 1, 2002 - Arkansas, USA An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned the man replied, "I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency." Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, "His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip wasn't even a percent!" ============================== Man Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap August 26, 2002 - Michigan, USA After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to." =============================== Impolite Movie Goer Beaten To Death August 12, 2002 - Michigan, USA Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced dead. This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for answering his mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie's plot. Right away the whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people hissing and moving around in their seats. "As soon as I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August, I wanted to hurt someone." said one audience member with a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr. Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries in an almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife, the audience went absolutely nuts. "It was when he started with the shopping list and he got down to the third item which was, I dunno, milk or something. I really wanted to stick that phone up his a*$. Everyone started plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck, including myself." commented one person involved in the beating. "From the moment I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr. Densley she stated, "This sort of thing has happened before and each time I was beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist fights and kicking matches to the point where he looses his life. I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way and did nothing to prevent my husband's death, with one usher in fact joining in on the beatings." Six men and two women were later charged and sentenced to appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings. =========================== Airlines Take Cost Cutting to New Lows August 5, 2002 - Mississippi, USA In an effort to cut costs, major airlines are resorting to cutting back even the smallest of items to curb expenditures. One in particular is the removal of barf bags on flights commencing August. "Annual savings are expected to exceed $450,200US", stated investor relations manager Carol Bauer, "The small percentage who actually use them are increasing ticket prices for the rest." But outraged motion sickness prone travelers had a less enthusiastic view of the matter. "I guess I will just have to hurl onto the meal tray. Frankly, based on my last flight, I don't think the Sautéed Pork and vegetable melody will look much different if I did." said one angry traveler. When the airlines were asked what they expected passengers to do in the event of motion sickness they replied, "Users of our planes who are prone to such sensitivities should bring with them preventative medicines and appropriate containers, we are not operating a flying hospital." ========================================== Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years July 29, 2002 - Florida, USA In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up." ================================== Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats July 25, 2002 - USA The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking Cats" guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriends. "It isn't as easy as one would think to successfully do and get away with", comments author John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the time girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book represents years of studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes into great detail about the history of cat kicking and some of the current theories on men's hatred of cats. The secret to a successful kick is to first befriend the cat, building its trust in you. It is when the cat is truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then angle it towards the stair case for a mighty punt." =================================== Pope visits Lake Simcoe July 22, 2002 - Ontario, Canada Not only is it part of the Popes job to visit many parts of the globe, but it is also his passionate goal to see as many places as he can in his life time. When questioned, as to what brought him to Lake Simcoe he replied "Well, I have been everywhere on my 'must see' list; 'could be nice' list; 'well, what the hey' list and 'its so cheap I can't afford not to' list, now I'm basically going through all the places I really never wanted to go to." ============================================ AOL Advert Campaign Actor Dies of Boredom July 22, 2002 - California, USA Jeffery Goldstein, the actor whose embarrassing line "I love when it says 'You've got mail'", won him enemies the world over, passed away last night due to extreme unbelievable boredom. When questioning his mother about her son she stated, "What he said in the ad was actually true, he would spend hours a day signing up for spam lists, newsletters, write e-cards to himself and even post messages on bulletin boards asking others to spam his email address just so he could hear that retched 'You've got mail'". His mother continued on to explain the cause of the death, "But when the speakers attached to his computer stopped working last night, a few hours after the last 'You've got mail', he slipped into a boredom induced death spiral. The doctor said the symptoms of his death are similar to thousands others who were listening to the latest Celine Dion album." =============================================== Lack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials July 22, 2002 - New York, USA Apple's new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring people who didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look on their face' - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user." ======================================== & MY FAVOURITE 1 ! >>>>>>>>> Man Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Female Manikin August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually assaulting a manikin at a women's fashion outlet store. Store clerks describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle the manikin's breasts. When questioned about the incident, he said "I couldn't help it, she had the nicest set of t!ts I've seen in a long time." ................ |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveNj US Post Number: 3263 Registered: Jun-06 | The human species is a funny one. |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 3830 Registered: Jun-06 | ) Which se@ual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. ____________________________________________ 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. ____________________________________________ 3) What's the difference between a b1tch and a wh0re? A wh0re sleeps with everybody at the party; A b1tch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. ____________________________________________ 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. ____________________________________________ 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real 0rgasms and fake jewelry. ____________________________________________ 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ____________________________________________ 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during 0rgasm. ____________________________________________ 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's azz? A mechanic . ____________________________________________ 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nud1st colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ____________________________________________ 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nud1st colony? The one who can eat that last donut. ____________________________________________ 11) The three words men hate to hear most during sex: "Are you in?" ____________________________________________ 12) The three words women hate to hear most during sex: "Honey, I'm home!" |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Atomic ... Post Number: 10751 Registered: Jul-05 | tanx 4 bumping up this thread bro ...     ... |
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Gold Member Username: Arande2400dB could probably d..., SouthWest Mi... Too Many DBs... Post Number: 1286 Registered: Dec-06 | Pfft. I only laughed at the one where the sign said, "You'll never get to work on time haha!" |
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Gold Member Username: 54danny54KY More Wang Th... Post Number: 3525 Registered: Nov-04 | i see said the blind man to the deaf dog |
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Silver Member Username: RideredderCornell, IL USA Post Number: 730 Registered: Sep-05 | "I see", says the blind man to his deaf dog as he pisses into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now." |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 3831 Registered: Jun-06 | |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4149 Registered: Jun-06 | TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big b00bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Atomic ... Post Number: 10849 Registered: Jul-05 | ^^^^^^^NICE ! After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing n\egligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'? 'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'.....  |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Atomic ... Post Number: 10850 Registered: Jul-05 | A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" ============================================== A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box." The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail. ============================================= A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." =============================================== One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" =========================================== Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."......... |
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Gold Member Username: Wolfman1966WEST MONROE , LOUISIANA USA Post Number: 1966 Registered: Jan-06 | Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? so the brunettes can understand them. |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin1 12 Atomic ... Post Number: 10880 Registered: Jul-05 |      ......... |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4368 Registered: Jun-06 | Man says "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwust, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I had asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya? Would ya? The clerk says, "Well no." "If I asked for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish? Because, I ask for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4420 Registered: Jun-06 | It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Give head 2. Bring food |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4421 Registered: Jun-06 | An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy. Consul : What is your name? Arab : Abdul Aziz Consul: Sex? Arab : Six to ten times a week Consul: I mean, male or female? Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels Consul: Holy cow! Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile? Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style Consul: Oh dear! Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast! Ok, you've heard it. |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4685 Registered: Jun-06 | The Man of the House The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess." |
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Gold Member Username: John_sColumbus, Ohio US Post Number: 1422 Registered: Feb-04 | When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the cr0tch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel." |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4822 Registered: Jun-06 | How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.... English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German lch Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Thai Phom rak khun Italian Ti amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky parts of Florida Nice Azz , Get in the truck . |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinMy 1 12 Atom... Post Number: 11021 Registered: Jul-05 | ^^^^^^^ > A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of >her > > students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" > > > > Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in >the > > 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the >3rd > > grade too!" > > > > Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's >office. > > > > While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to >the > > principal what the situation was. > > The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.. If he > > failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st >grade > > and behave. She agreed. > > > > Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and >he > > agreed to take the test. > > > > Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" > > > > Harry: "9." > > > > Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" > > > > Harry: "36." > > > > And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd >grader > > should know. > > > > The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry >can go > > to the 3rd grade." > > > > Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some quest >ions." > > > > The principal and Harry both agreed. > > > > Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only >two > > of?" > > > > Harry, after a moment: "Legs." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not >have?" > > > > The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! > > > > Harry replied: "Pockets." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" > > > > Harry: "Pants." > > > > Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, > > delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" > > > > Harry: "Coconut." > > > > The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and > > sticky?" > > > > The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop >the > > answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." > > > > Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting >down > > and a dog does on three legs?" > > > > Harry: "Shake hands." > > > > The principal was trembling. > <font size="2">> > > Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that >means a > > lot of heat and excitement?" > > > > Harry: "Firetruck." > > > > The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, >"Put > > Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions >wrong...... |
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Gold Member Username: Wolfman1966WEST MONROE , LOUISIANA USA Post Number: 2174 Registered: Jan-06 | What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.. |
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Gold Member Username: WingmanaliveA pic is worth 1000 words Post Number: 4914 Registered: Jun-06 | Little Known Facts About the Ocean A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the' better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life." 1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight test!cles. (Kelly age 6) 2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eelscan give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7) 3. Oysters' balls are called ! pearls! (James age 6) 4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 6. A dolphin breathes through an assh0le on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 7) 8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to ma! ke the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7) 10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) Kids are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: ! You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! _______________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLI! E: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. _____________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. __________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher |
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Platinum Member Username: RovinMy 1 12 Atom... Post Number: 11099 Registered: Jul-05 | An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I HAVE A GUN, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable......... |
