Archive through February 01, 2007
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Gold Member Username: NuckParkhill, Ontario Canada Post Number: 1183 Registered: Dec-04 | Before George Burns passed away, he was on the Oprah show. After the taping, Oprah quietly asked George if the rumour was true about him being the best lover in Hollywood. George, ever gregarious, simply smiled a sly grin at Oprah. The woman invited George to her dressing room for an 'in-depth' interview. 30 minutes later, Oprah was winded, hair tousled and in wide eyed astonishment. Oh George, you are fabulous! she gushed. Oh George, can you do it again? George replied, mt dear, I am in my nineties, you know, I need a rest, 10 minutes or so. But as I rest, will you keep both hands on my George jr.? Oprah did so, and George dozed for 10 minutes, only to awake and roust the woman furiously for another half hour. Oprah was in awe! Absolutely quivering from joyous abandon, her body continuing to shake. Oh George, you beautiful man, could you do it one more time? George figgured he could, but needed 20 minutes to recover, and would, if Oprah kept both hands on George jr. the whole time. This Oprah did. Upon awakening, George gave it his all. A goodly while later, Oprah was a quivering mass of jelly, unable to stand and straining to even speak. After regaining her breath, she thanked George profusely and agreed that he must be the finest lover in the entire world, forget Hollywood! She had to ask about holding George while he slept. Did this keep him aroused? No, said George, when he slept with Anna Nicole Smith. he woke up to find his wallet missing. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 547 Registered: Mar-04 | An old couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." "I can remember that. He says, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 548 Registered: Mar-04 | A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and e njoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 270 Registered: Nov-05 |  |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 304 Registered: Nov-05 | George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." ! The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!" |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3945 Registered: Dec-03 | Great, MR. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 556 Registered: Mar-04 | Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pi$$. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) BathTheorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3952 Registered: Dec-03 | Thanks, Sem. Cool. |
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Silver Member Username: JimkwColumbus, Ohio USA Post Number: 116 Registered: Jun-05 | A couple has been married for 17 years and was having some problems, so they went for counseling. The counselor told them he wants to hear their problems starting from as far back as they could remember the problems starting. Well the woman said she would go first, and she started telling about problems from 15 years ago and just kept going on and on and on. The counselor gets up from behind the desk pulls her up out of her seat and proceeds to give her a very long passionate kiss and she sits down and does not say another word. He looks at the husband and said she needs that three times a week, can you do that? The husband says "Well I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but I go fishing on Friday". |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 324 Registered: Nov-05 | The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 558 Registered: Mar-04 | An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3974 Registered: Dec-03 |  Still from My Rantz's TV news clip about a commemorative Spitfire flight. I could not stop laughing. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 7796 Registered: May-04 | Looks like the Spitfire is feeling somewhat like an Old Dog. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3986 Registered: Dec-03 | Tchsk. In what way? While you're here, Jan, an Italian friend sent me this link:- http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/italy.html |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 7849 Registered: May-04 | Terrific, John. I'll pass it on to some friends who visit Italy on a regular basis. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3990 Registered: Dec-03 | Glad you liked, it, Jan. All;- You don't have to be Italian. Or European, for that matter. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 358 Registered: Nov-05 | A novel advertisement:  |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 562 Registered: Mar-04 | Excellent Rantz. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 563 Registered: Mar-04 | Telephone rings...... "Hello?" "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now" "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks. "Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead." "Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too." ***long pause*** ***more pause**** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 564 Registered: Mar-04 | The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. " About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it? "Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 359 Registered: Nov-05 | LOL Sem! |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 398 Registered: Nov-05 | A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, she gives up her frail grasp and attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Pick 'n Pay security guard sees her, leans over, and unplugs the horse. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 426 Registered: Nov-05 | After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,"! says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.) "Please slow down, you're Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The President?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope." |
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Gold Member Username: NuckParkhill, Ontario Canada Post Number: 1785 Registered: Dec-04 | LOL, MR! |
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Silver Member Username: PaulfolbrechtPost Number: 145 Registered: Dec-05 | Last time I heard this one, John Paul II was the driver (bless his soul). I think it works even better with Benedict. :-} |
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Gold Member Username: NuckParkhill, Ontario Canada Post Number: 1795 Registered: Dec-04 | A Newfie gets a job in Toronto, and drives off to his new future. When he gets there, his new boss tells him he's 3 days late. 'what happened to you?' his new boss shouts. 'Well, the Shell sign said'clean bathrooms from here to Toronto' so I did'. I saw a sign that said'Drink Canada Dry' and i tried. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 466 Registered: Nov-05 | Look what Larry went and done:  He killed the Bananas in Pyjamas! That would be Cyclone Larry of course. And don't worry kiddies, it's like Santa. It's not real. |
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Gold Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 1240 Registered: Oct-04 | Rantz: unh-huh. . . Anyway - there was this woman whose husband suddenly died, and whose friends gathered around her for all of the ceremonies involved in the funeral. When the funeral and the receptions were over, one of her friends came to her and asked: "Sadie, I hate to get personal, but how much did Marvin leave you?" "Thirty thousand dollars," was the woman's reply. "Well," said her friend, "you must have spent most of it on the funeral and that very nice party afterwards." "Yes," Sadie told her friend, "in fact, there's nothing left at all." The friend gasped. "What!?! Well, where did the money go?" Sadie thought a moment, then replied: "well, the funeral, party and all the refreshments cost me $8,000. "OK," her friend said, but that still leaves $22,000. Where did that all go?" "Oh, I almost forgot - the memorial stone. that cost $22,000." Sadie's friend was dumbfounded. "Twenty-two thousand dollars for a memorial stone? How big was it, anyway?" Sadie just smiled. "Three and a half carats," she said. - - - - - - - |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 575 Registered: Nov-05 | "WHO'S ON FIRST"  George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George : Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China . George : That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George : I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George : The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George : The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George : The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George : Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George : That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George : Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George : Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George : Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George : Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George : No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George : No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George : Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George : Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China George : Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George : All right! With cream and two sugars. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 2645 Registered: Dec-04 | I wish I were either Abbott or Costello. So a barkeep is wiping down the hardwood and see a snail on his bar. The snail looks up and says "How about a Glenmorangie?" The bartender winds up and flicks the snail clean offa the bartop. About 10 months later the barkeep is wiping down the worksurface and sees, to his odd rememberance, a snail. The snail says'what the heck was that for"? |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 8496 Registered: May-04 | Ten months is a long time to wait for Glenmorangie. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 8497 Registered: May-04 | I picked up a copy of Bennet Cerf's "Laugh a Day" for fifty cents at the library's used book sale. It is, "A brand new treasury of over 100 humorous stories, annecdotes, puns and verse by the nation's number one raconteur ... " Quite a deal for fifty cents! (You should award yourself extra credit if you know who Bennet Cerf was and double the extra points if you can remember when you felt rich with fifty cents in your pocket.) Bennet Cerf had a gentle humor that could be told on 1960's television. "There's a freshman at Dartmouth this year who bids fair to make his mark as a social commentator. His first paper for a philosophy section contained this summary: 'Socrates was a famous Greek who went around giving people excellent advice. They poisoned him.'" Quotations: From Arnold Glasgow: "A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit." From Somerset Maugham: "Only a mediocre person is always at their best." From W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try a couple more times. Then quit. There's no sense in making a fool of yourself." "Two idiots had their first look at water skiing. Asked one, 'Why's the boat go so fast?' Answered the other, 'The lunatic on the string keeps chasing it.'" From the introduction to the book, "I don't think Americans are laughing enough these days. We're worrying too much about our 'image' and whether other people love us enough. The strongest country in the world needs respect from others more than love. And it needs the saving grace - and courage - to be able to laugh at itself. The country that can no longer chuckle sometimes at its own foibles is in trouble. We've become too thin skinned - and, yes, too pompous." The copyright is 1965. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 2648 Registered: Dec-04 | Thanks for that, Jan, indeed. Y'all really gotta lighten up a bit! A tip o' the glass to all the old dogs(tis a holiday here)! |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4196 Registered: Dec-03 | Reads like "Laughter is the best medicine" from "Reader's Digest". From a gentler age. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 8516 Registered: May-04 | I would say, a gentler time depending on the color of your skin, the accent in your voice or the part of town you live in. But, this is a humor thread and there is no place for those comments here, so consider them unsaid. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4198 Registered: Dec-03 | Unsaid or not, I agree. There were also surreal features called things like "I am Fred's pancreas". My mother would buy RD for train journeys. Also copies would be lying around doctors' and dentists waiting rooms. I have not seen it recently. I suppose it's still out there, somewhere. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 2708 Registered: Dec-04 | Just seeing 'I am Fred's Pancreas' makes it fit in the humour thread. I am Lou's Lymph nodes? |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 2711 Registered: Dec-04 | So a string wanders into a bar and shinnies up a stool. The barkeep asks his order and the string asks for a Guiness. The barkeep arrives and is about to set down the foamy glass, but pulls back. 'Hey' he says 'you ain't a string are ya?' The string says 'sure, I'm a string'. The bartender scowls and says 'we don't serve your kind in here', and points to a sign on the wall that reads 'NO STRINGS ALLOWED"! You'd best get out of here, intones the burly bartender. The string leaves the bar, dejected, and heads off. He runs into a string buddy not too far along, and they have time to kill. The string buddy suggests they go for a drink. 'Well we can't go into that place, they don't serve strings' says the string. 'WHAT?' The string buddy is appaled! Yeah I tried, but the gorilla behind the bar chased me out. Hmm, the string buddy was working on it. 'I'll tell you what, wrap yourself around my feet, and stay there. As the string did so, his buddy tousled up his hair into a great mess, and wiggled into the bar, and up a stool. The barkeep came over and asks the order. '2 Guiness' says a muffled voice from below. The barkeep comes back and is about to deliver the drinks, but pulls back. 'Hey' says the gorilla(the guys no slouch), 'your'e not one of them strings are ya?' The string says... you know it's coming... 'frayed knot'. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 582 Registered: Nov-05 | A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes,when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, you creep. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...all in the name of humour." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins toapologise, when the blonde says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that horrid little fellow on your knee!" |
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Gold Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 1435 Registered: Oct-04 | Rantz: excellent! And to prove the point - here are some actual examples of why Darwin was wrong in his evolution theory. People are NOT getting smarter! (grin) - - - - - - - - - - - - Darwin Award Winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the >drawer ... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER ! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. God must love stupid people; He made so many. - - - - - - - - - - I rest my case (on the knee opposite that horrid little fellow! hmm. . . ) |
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Gold Member Username: ArtkAlbany, Oregon USA Post Number: 3320 Registered: Feb-05 | here are some actual examples of why Darwin was wrong in his evolution theory. People are NOT getting smarter! (grin) - - - - - - - - - - - - Darwin Award Winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... Hmm...this appears to be an example of natural selection... |
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Gold Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 1436 Registered: Oct-04 | Art: very astute, sir! Must re-think my Darwin, fer shore! (double grin) |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 2764 Registered: Dec-04 | Diety must love idiots...they collect quickly! |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 589 Registered: Mar-04 | http://www.derfcity.com/o/dubyacircle.html |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 588 Registered: Nov-05 | Good one Sem. With some of the **it appearing in this forum I think many posters have their heads in similar places. Cheers. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 592 Registered: Nov-05 | TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 593 Registered: Mar-04 | A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the h*ll did you sell him?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 594 Registered: Mar-04 | This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 595 Registered: Mar-04 | A little story to restore your faith in human nature. There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on Social Security. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no SS check due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.God, can you please help me?" The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets in an effort to help out. Between them they raised $96. Using an official Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift, we're all beside ourselves with joy. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b**tards at the Post Office. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4284 Registered: Dec-03 | A pleasure to read, Sem! |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4288 Registered: Dec-03 | From "sound bites - 50 years of HiFi News" by Ken Kessler and Steve Harris. p. 160. So it must be true.... Anecdote by Tom Baron of PMC. ____ I was in the Sound Organisation store one day when a man came in and approached one of their salesmen. "Do you stock Karman Hardon equipment?" asked the man. "No, sir, we don't," came the reply. "Why's that?" said the man. "Because the products we stock give it stiff competition," said the salesman. ____ |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 597 Registered: Mar-04 | http://us.gizmodo.com/gadgets/home-entertainment/comcast-tech-falls-asleep-on-gu ys-couch-182440.php |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 686 Registered: Nov-05 | You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a Job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box." HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!! Don't you just love happy endings? |
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Gold Member Username: ChitownPost Number: 1188 Registered: Apr-05 | Ok this post is a bit old, but then so is this joke. You must read this out loud for it to make sense Legend has it that one day the great Swedish god Thor descends upon earth, steals a woman for himself and takes her to an island where he makes wild passionate love to her for a week. At the end of which he stands up and says: "I am Thor" To which the woman replies: "you think you're thor, I cann't even thit down" |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4476 Registered: Dec-03 | Like it. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 828 Registered: Nov-05 | It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked. The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign." ----------------------------- A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circum(c)ision may not have been the best way to start." ------------------------------------- A woman, standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - - - pay me a compliment". The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect!" |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4520 Registered: Dec-03 | A three-pack. Really good. Thanks, MR! |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4111 Registered: Dec-04 | hehehe |
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Gold Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 1550 Registered: Oct-04 | All: as to the Aboriginal and Religious Leaders jokes: Rantz Rules! DOUBLE GRIN LR |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 626 Registered: Mar-04 | Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. Good ones all, Rantz. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 831 Registered: Nov-05 | Hey thanx guys, but I don't write them. I simply pass them on. |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 843 Registered: Nov-05 | Some more: On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. Sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. ------------------------------------------- You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: 1. FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. And they are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. 3. TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. 4. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them. 5. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. 6. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. 7. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. 8. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. 9. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. 10. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. . |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 627 Registered: Mar-04 | How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4118 Registered: Dec-04 | Fabulous, Sem, simply fabulous! Now about those subwoofer cables... |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9158 Registered: May-04 | . What if there were no rhetorical questions? |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4525 Registered: Dec-03 | Brillant, Sem. You only forgot the post asking how to set up an iPod. Excellent post, MR. Nuck; I agree. Jan; then there would be no rhetorical answers. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4181 Registered: Dec-04 | A physician is in a horrible quandry. It seems the good doctor has had a exual relationship with one of his patients. He is so troubled thqat he can hardly sleep at nights, has little appetite and is mired in guilt, self-doubt and fear. As he lay awake at night, seeking solstice, he sometimes hears a voice, soothing in his ear "look, you are not the first doctor to have this happen, you will not be the last. You are single. This may never come to light. Do not let this ruin your life, let it go, never do it again". This brings the doctor enough comfort to sleep, at least a little. Yet,the next day, the voice of reason sneaks along as the good doctor is eating his corn flakes. "you are a freaking veterinarian"! |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 852 Registered: Nov-05 | Good thing "thqat" was a "exual" relationship and not the other kind, Nuck. Good one |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9204 Registered: May-04 | . A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday... . |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 632 Registered: Mar-04 | 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 633 Registered: Mar-04 | Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" He said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," his wife said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4328 Registered: Dec-04 | HAHAHA! Thanks, Sem! |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 897 Registered: Nov-05 | Bravo to all! |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4363 Registered: Dec-04 | With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Plaything magazine. The staples covered everything! What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..." When my old man wanted sexx, my mother would show him a picture of me. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you jogging naked?" He said, "Because you came home early." My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!" I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 634 Registered: Mar-04 | Ahh, the great Jacob Cohen, aka Rodney Dangerfield. Funny stuff, I can almost hear him telling those jokes. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4399 Registered: Dec-04 | He was my introduction to comedy, age 4. A master. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9263 Registered: May-04 | Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4552 Registered: Dec-03 | Aw.... It's a stereotype, you know. They're not all like that. I never thought I'd read blatant Duckist jokes on this wholesome forum. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4415 Registered: Dec-04 | It quacks me up. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 4554 Registered: Dec-03 | Groan. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9280 Registered: May-04 | Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois, my home state: If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Illinois. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois. If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois. If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN: 1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them. 9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot. 12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 13. Down south means Missouri to you. 14. A brat is something you eat. 15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday. 17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly." 19. You actually understand these jokes and you forward them to all your Illinois friends. (What's not to understand?) |
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Gold Member Username: ChitownPost Number: 1306 Registered: Apr-05 | Well living in Chicago, I can vouch for most of these though some are too strange even for me. Funny stuff. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4469 Registered: Dec-04 | Most aren't all that strange in rural Ontario. Thanks JV. |
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Silver Member Username: Daniel_canadaCanada Post Number: 202 Registered: May-06 | 0 degrees is only -18c, what's the problem? |
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Gold Member Username: ChitownPost Number: 1307 Registered: Apr-05 | A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 80 year old father who is mostly. He asks him how things are going and whether or not he is able to get some sleep as he had some trouble with that. The father says everything is great, they give him a glass of milk and a pill and he sleeps like a baby every night. A little suspicious of medications, the man asks a nurse what this treatment is and the nurse tells him that indeed the father gets a glass of milk and a Vyagro (spelled to hopefully get through your spam blockers) and then he falls asleeps. Surprised the man asks "How does this help an 80 year old man" The nurse replies "Well the milk makes him fall asleep and Vyagro stops him from rolling off the bed" |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9449 Registered: May-04 | . CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle BellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingle BellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBel lsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBellsJingleBells ... . |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 642 Registered: Mar-04 | Jan, now that was funny!!  |
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Gold Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 1005 Registered: Nov-05 | One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Melly Christmas, Weeweechu a Melly Christmas, Weeweechu a Melly Christmas, and a Happy New Year." ____________________________________ Now This Is A True Queenslander!!! The General Managers of: Cascade Brewery (Tasmania) Tooheys (New South Wales) XXXX (Queensland) CUB (Victoria) Coopers (South Australia) - were at a national beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink. The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New." The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!" The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers!" The bloke from Carlton says "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet" The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke." The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking Beer, then neither will I!!!" |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 4966 Registered: Dec-04 | Two priests died at the same time and met >>> Saint Peter at the Pearly >>>> Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you >>> guys in now but our computer >>>> is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for >>> about a week but you can't >>>> go back as humans. What'll it be?" >>>> The first priest says, "I've always wanted to >>> be an eagle, soaring >>>> above the Rocky Mountains." >>>> "So be it," says St. Peter and off flies the >>> first priest. The second >>>> priest mulls this over for a moment and >>> asks, "Will any of this week >>>> 'count', St. Peter?" >>>> "No, I told you the computer is down. There's >>> no way we can keep track >>>> of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." >>>> "In that case," says the second priest, "I've >>> always wanted to be a >>>> stud." >>>> "So be it," says St. Peter and the second >>> priest disappears. >>>> A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and >>> the Lord tells St. Peter to >>>> recall the two priests. "Will you have any >>> trouble locating them?" He >>>> asks. >>>> "The first one should be easy," says St. >>> Peter. "He's somewhere over >>>> the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the >>> second one could prove to >>>> be more difficult." >>>> "Why?" asked the Lord. >>>> St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire >>> somewhere in Saskatchewan." |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 5167 Registered: Dec-04 | http://cgi.audiogon.com/cgi-bin/auc.pl?accstwek&1167878104&1&3&1& |
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Gold Member Username: ChitownPost Number: 1325 Registered: Apr-05 | Damn, the bidding is closed |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 9622 Registered: May-04 | . A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?" . |
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Gold Member Username: Joe_cAtlanta, GA USA Post Number: 1251 Registered: Mar-05 | Superman is flying around one day. On this day there is not much going on in Gotham. He fly's around looking for some trouble to get into. At that moment he see's Wonder Woman on a rooftop. "What the heck is she doing" he says and uses his magnovision to see a little closer. "By god I do believe she is m-sterbating he says. Sure enough, Wonder Woman is laying on her back having a little fun on the rooftop by herself. "i wonder" thinks Superman, "what if I fly down there super fast, Boink her real quick and fly off before she even knew what hit her?". After minimal thought, he flew down there super fast, not even a speeding bullet would have been faster, bangs away, finishes and then fly's off. Meanwhile Wonder Woman is sitting there kind of flustered and says "what the H3ll was that?!!" the invisible man said " I dunno but my azz hurts sooo bad!!!" |
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Gold Member Username: ChitownPost Number: 1326 Registered: Apr-05 | Hate to get technical, but Superman doesn't hang around in Gotham city. He is in Metropolis. Damn funny nevertheless. |
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Gold Member Username: Joe_cAtlanta, GA USA Post Number: 1257 Registered: Mar-05 | whoops lol I always miss some silly detail |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 5557 Registered: Dec-04 | Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are." Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff |
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Gold Member Username: Joe_cAtlanta, GA USA Post Number: 1327 Registered: Mar-05 | There was a young man from Crocket He went up to the skies in a rocket The rocket went bang His balls wents clang And he found his d(ck in his pocket |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 5587 Registered: Dec-04 | When I die, I want to go nice and quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 647 Registered: Mar-04 | A couple weeks ago Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was reluctant to throw away his 20-ounce water bottle at a Miami International Airport security checkpoint. The reason, police say: The plastic bottle had a secret compartment that, when opened, had a dark residue and a pungent pot odor. I believe the whole thing proved false (the pot smuggling anyway). Someone sent me this link to a video of SNL spoofing the whole incident on their "Weekend News" segment. Although I'm not really a fan of the current SNL, I found this video hysterical. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckPost Number: 5617 Registered: Dec-04 | Sem, thats great. Good to see you again. |
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