Archive through February 08, 2006
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 954 Registered: Aug-04 | I though rather than use up space on the the other thread we could have one just for jokes. If someone has a joke just link to here. I hope this one is not crossing the line. If it is deemed so, then I apologise and I'll know better next time. Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson M/cycle Corp'n died and went to Heaven. At the gates St Peter told Arthur: "since you've been such a good man, and your motorcycles have changed the world your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven". Arthur thought about this for a minute, and then said: "I want to hang out with God". St Peter took Arthur to the Throne room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God: "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God answered: "Ah Yes!" "Well" said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention; 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion, 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds, 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, 4. Handling is awful - it goes one way, then without warning - goes in the complete opposite direction, 5. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally 6. The maintenance costs are outrageous!". God ponders for a minute, and murmurs, "Hmmmmm, you may have a point there, hold on a minute..." God moved to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words and commands and waited for the results. Soon the computer printed out an extensive spread sheet. "Well", God said "it may be true that there are flaws to the design", "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours". |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileToronto, ON Post Number: 108 Registered: Jun-04 | A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileToronto, ON Post Number: 109 Registered: Jun-04 | Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileToronto, ON Post Number: 110 Registered: Jun-04 | Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 958 Registered: Aug-04 | Don, LOL! for all three above jokes but I loved the twins story - excellent! |
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Larry R Unregistered guest | OK, youze guyz - here's one about folk up in "my" age bracket - all too true, unfortunately! Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." (do I hear a distant drum roll???) More anon. . . |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 959 Registered: Aug-04 | Okay Larry, good one LOL! "(do I hear a distant drum roll???) " Nup - that's the sound of the years flying past :-) |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2361 Registered: Dec-03 | MR, You were crossing the line. Thank you. This one is about eight years old but I will leave it untranslated. God decides enough is enough, and he has no choice but to announce the end of the world. He calls a conference, and summons Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates to tell them the news. They report back. Yeltsin: "My fellow Russians, I have some bad new and some even worse news. The bad news is, there is a God, after all. The worse news is that the world will end next week". Clinton, " My fellow Americans, I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that there IS a God. The bad news is that the world will end next week." Gates: "Fellow Microsoft employees; I have some great news and some really great news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the three most important men in the world. The really great news is that we don't have to de-bug Windows 97." |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 293 Registered: Mar-04 | Just some random thoughts and observations - If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The Blockage will be almost instantly removed. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. |
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Silver Member Username: Rh1Post Number: 381 Registered: Jun-04 | A couple of fleas live up north and vacation in Florida every year. The one flea makes it down to Florida and is sitting at the bar of their favorite hang out when his buddy arrives shivering uncontrollably. He says to his friend, "what happened to you" The other flea replies, "I hitched a ride in a biker's mustache all the way from Michigan and froze my *ss off" He replies, "that's not how you do it, next year go to the airport and find a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and find a nice warm spot for the ride down" His friends faces lights up and he says he will definately try that next year. The following year the same flea is sitting in the bar when his friend arrives again shivering. I thought I told you what to do, he states to his friend. I did just what you said, he friend replies. I went to the airport, found a cute little stewardess and crawled up her leg to a nice warm spot and fell asleep. Next thing I know I am waking up in a bikers mustache on my way to Florida! |
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Larry R. Unregistered guest | Merri says she doesn't understand the "biker" joke. (grin) Anyway - for real this time - I seem to have the talent for posting jokes that have made the rounds many times - but I like this one so much that I'll take the chance. President Bush and VP Cheney are out on the campaign trail. They stop for lunch, and scan the menu carefully. The waitress approaches and, recognizing the two men, makes a special effort to be polite. VP Cheney, cognizant of his heart history, orders a large salad with low-fat dressing, and some iced tea. The President looks a bit confused, then turns to the waitress and says: "How about a quickie." The waitress - stunned - doesn't know how to reply. After all, this IS the President! Mr. Bush points to the menu and repeats his order, and now the waitress is insulted and angry. "Mr. President, I don't know who you think I am, but I will NOT be insulted - even by you!" She walks away. The President is taken aback, and looks questioningly at his trusty VP - who motions for the President to lean closer, then says: " Mr. President, I think that is pronounced KEESH!" More anon. . . |
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Silver Member Username: Rh1Post Number: 382 Registered: Jun-04 | Larry....(grin)  |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 964 Registered: Aug-04 | John A Sem Vols Larry |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 295 Registered: Mar-04 | An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls te$ticles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." |
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Silver Member Username: Arnold_layneMadridSpain Post Number: 227 Registered: Jun-04 | ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) Sem, hope you one day can make your round trip in the old world. Weird but fun over here. I think I know which taverna that is. Hasta pronto Al |
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Silver Member Username: Rh1Post Number: 393 Registered: Jun-04 | Three guys sitting at a bar. After several drinks without receiving a free one guy #1 says "you know at my neighborhood bar every fourth drink I buy is free" Guy #2 pipes up and says "oh yeah, well at my local bar every third drink I order is free" Guy #3 leans over and states "that's nothing, at my bar the first drink is free, so is the second, so is the third, after that they take you upstairs and give you s*x for free..." Just then the other guys cut in to say "that's a load of crap, no way do they give you three free drinks and then free s*x, that has never happened to you, no way!" Guy #3 says "no you are right it has never happened to me, but it happened to my sister!" |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 968 Registered: Aug-04 | Vols - :-) :-) A lesson for the wife! A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's okay, I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileToronto, ON Post Number: 116 Registered: Jun-04 | OK, just for laughs, go to this website, turn on your PC speakers, and click on the play button on Windows Media Player.  |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 296 Registered: Mar-04 | My Rantz, Very nice. Love a good golf joke. Reminds me a bit of another golf joke and if I can remember it well enough, I'll add it here. Arnold Lane, Thanks for your kind words. Earlier this year my mom headed a tour group for 16 days through different parts of Spain. She came away very impressed, said it was a most beautiful country and very friendly people. Someday perhaps I can find out for myself. If that does happen, I'd be honored to sit at that cafe and split an order of te$ticles with you. My only hope would be that the bullfighter wins on that day!! |
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Larry R Unregistered guest | Don - what can I say (hahahaha) Merri spilled her white wine, and started laughing so hard that I thought I'd have to drop her with an upper cut - no, no - wrong scenario - thought I'd have to sit her down, uh, well, you know. (tee-hee) After the "Keesh" joke, the "black box" story is just too much for ole dawgs to bear! Sigh. Won't even try to one-up THAT one, sir! |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 971 Registered: Aug-04 | Larry and his wife Merri are woken up at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. Larry begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push. "Not a chance," says Larry, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asks Merri. "Just some darn drunk guy asking for a push," Larry answers. "Did you help him?" Merri asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says Merri a little angrily. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself, Larry!" So Larry does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Y - Yes," comes back a slurred answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out Larry. "Oh Yes, pl-please!" comes the reply from somewhere in the dark. "Where the heck are you?" Larry shouts while cursing under his breath. An moment passes then, "I'm over here on the dang swing of course!" replies the drunk. |
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Silver Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 587 Registered: Dec-03 | A guy walks into a phychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "How may I help you sir?" The duck looks down at the doctor and replies, "Hey Doc, can you get this guy off my *a*s*s?" |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 980 Registered: Aug-04 | Rick - ha ha ha! I can imagine the look on the quack's face :-) |
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Silver Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 592 Registered: Dec-03 | Which one? (LOL!) |
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Silver Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 982 Registered: Aug-04 | Exactly |
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Bronze Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 12 Registered: Oct-04 | And then there are the true stories that make our lives what they are - messed up! (grin) - - - - - - - - Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support. Caller: Is this tech support? Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it. At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! - - - - WEllll - truth is often stranger than fiction. More anon. . . |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileToronto, ON Post Number: 117 Registered: Jun-04 |  |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2385 Registered: Dec-03 | Sublime. |
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Marc C Unregistered guest | Three mice are at a bar...talking about how tough they are. Mouse #1 says: "Ya know those traps they set out? I go over there, swipe the cheese, bench press the trap a few times, and take off with the loot," and pounds his beer. Mouse #2 says: "Oh yeah? That's nuthin'!! Ya know that poison they set out all the time? I eat that stuff for lunch every day..." and slams down his shot of Tequila. Mouse #3 is unimpressed. He downs his shot, downs his beer, and gets up to walk away. "Hey - where ya goin?" the first Mice #'s 1 & 2 ask. "I don't have time for this sh*t," Mouse #3 says wryly," I gotta go home and nail the cat...." |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 304 Registered: Mar-04 | The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . . " . . . . . . . . . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye." |
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Bronze Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 22 Registered: Oct-04 | OK Sem - I thought I was gonna have to strangle you - then I realized that I needed to scroll down and down - to the punch line! Whew! LOL - great joke! |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 305 Registered: Mar-04 | |
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Silver Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 593 Registered: Dec-03 | LOL! |
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Marc C Unregistered guest | Larry R, Ditto! |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 176 Registered: Jun-04 | The Birds and The Bits Cyrus says: "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the Delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male! "And that's the story, Virus...I mean Cyrus." |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 271 Registered: Oct-04 | Don: how do you spell "groan?" (snicker) So - Ms. Edna goes into the pet shop to find a parrot as a gift for her husband, who's away on a week-long business trip. The shop owner says he has one parrot in the store, but that he hesitates to sell it to her because the bird came from a bordello that the police raided and closed. Well, the woman decides to take a chance, and buys the bird. When the woman gets the bird into her house, it says: "Squawk - new madam - new house. Determined not to let the bird's raucus behavior spoil her surprise, she ignores it. When the woman's two daughters come home from college for a weekend, the bird whistles, then squawks: "new girls - nice chicks!" the girls are startled, but they, too, decide to overlook the bird's rantings. Later that evening, the husband comes home from his trip. As he walks into the living room, where the bird is caged, the parrot squawks: "Hi, Keith!" - - - - - - - Flying objects hurt - please refrain. . . I didn't make up that one! (grin) |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 178 Registered: Jun-04 | A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide." |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 281 Registered: Oct-04 | Damn it, Don - you made me spill perfectly good Gunpowder Green tea all over the morning paper! Sigh - almost got to the computer, also! Whew! Gotta stop reading such funny, funny stuff whilst holding (and trying to swallow) beverages! Thanks - a good one!!! |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2577 Registered: Dec-03 | Don, Thanks. I thought at first you were heading for a version of the story about Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Taylor was a golfing novice, so Burton stood directly behind her, guiding her golf stroke, when the zip on the front of his jacket became attached to something on the back of hers. They tried to set themselves free, but could not reach the point of attachment, nor get their jackets off. So they decided to walk, slowly, stuck together like that, back to the club house, to ask for help. They were nearly there when a big black dog came up and threw a bucket of cold water all over them. So it is said. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 180 Registered: Jun-04 | A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." |
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bluntman420 Unregistered guest | ok people for this one here forget completely about rascism cause im black, this is a black joke...and ITS ONLY COMEDY!!!............. a guy walks into a bar, he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey and a glass of beer. he pounds the whiskey and chugs the beer, asks the bartender "who's the toughest mother f*ck*r in here?..the bartender looks around and says "that chinese guy over there...hell kill ya 6 times before ya hit the ground"..so the guy walks over to him, beats him up, and walks out. so the next day, same time...the guy comes in again, orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of beer..pounds the whiskey, chugs the beer.then he asks the bartender "who's the toughest mother f*ck*r in here"?..bartender looks around and says "probably that farmer over there, he can lift 600lbs...so the guy walks over to him, beats him up, and walks out.... so the bartender has this friend that works at the zoo and he started telling him about "the guy"...thebartender says hes good business but he's beating up all my customers. so the guy that works at the zoo says "i think i can take care of your problem".."we have this ape at the zoo that is mean as hell, so well just put the ape in the bathroom and tell the guy hes in the bathroom"....bartender says "sounds great" so they planned it out and put him in there.... so the guy walks in, same time as usual and says "i need a shot of whiskey and a glass off beer"...bartender serves him and he pounds the whiskey and chugs the beer...asks the bartender "whos the toughest mother f*ck*r in here"?...bartender looks around and says "i think hes in the bathroom"...so the guy goes into the bathroom and you can hear all the struggling and fighting...about 5 minutes later the guy walks out and says "you tell that n*gger when he wakes up i threw his fur coat outside"...lol now im black and think thats funny, so i KNOW you will...lol |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 290 Registered: Oct-04 | For any of you who has ever broken a window. . .a funny story, IMHO! - - - - - - - - A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies!" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 380 Registered: Mar-04 | My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week." |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 183 Registered: Jun-04 | Still using Chapstick? The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town. They tied up their steeds and Tonto immediately went to the rear of his pinto, lifted his tail, and smacked his lips bang onto the horses. The Ranger was horrified and said, "Good grief, Tonto, why in the blazes did you do that for?" Tonto grinned and replied,"For my chapped lips, Kemosabe." The Ranger, perplexed, asked, "How does that help chapped lips fer Pete's sake?" "Stops me from lick'ng em," laughed Tonto. |
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Silver Member Username: RkvfireVancouver, British Colu... Canada Post Number: 151 Registered: Aug-04 | lol no one has posted any blonde jokes. guess ill be the first. A blonde named sally is sitting at the kitchen table putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Shes getting soo frustrated that the peices arent fitting together she decides to go ask her husband. So she goes into the living room and says "sweetie, can you help me with this puzzle?" the husband walks with her back into the kitchen. Sally almost in tears, because she is so frustrated says to her husband, its suppose to be a tiger, but none of the peices are fitting together! The husband replies. "hunny, put the frosted flakes back in the box!" |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 382 Registered: Mar-04 | 10 keys to attending a Christmas party: 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a great set of golf clubs. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like Pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, even I have some standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 186 Registered: Jun-04 | The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that no one has bothered to make contact with us. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 195 Registered: Jun-04 | In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" "She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you ba$tard$ asks that b i t c h if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a s s e s in jail for contempt." |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 342 Registered: Oct-04 | Don: (hahahahaha) too funny for words! Still laughing so hard I'm crying! Wish there were more people like that woman testifying in court! Wouldn't that be grand!!!! (grin) Sem: Good! I'll try to keep all in mind this Holiday Season, fer shore! LOL |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 196 Registered: Jun-04 | Moneywise Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs." Just checkin' It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 386 Registered: Mar-04 | Be careful what you wish for.... http://www.subservientchicken.com/ |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 387 Registered: Mar-04 | The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16 years-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative. - Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar - Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. - Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. - Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. - Q: What causes the tides in the ocean? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. - Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. - Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs. - Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. - Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery. - Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. - Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. - Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contain heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. - Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. - Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. - Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium. - Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section" A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome. - Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman Emperor.. - Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. - Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. - Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. - Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. And just think, one day our social security payments will depend on these kids. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 200 Registered: Jun-04 | Somehow, I couldn't help thinking that the above was actually a transcript of G.W.B's guest appearance on Larry King "live". |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 209 Registered: Jun-04 | Waste not, want not A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time, he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves; whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 210 Registered: Jun-04 | Bait or Bate? Hmmm... The Old Dawgs have a bone to pick over "baited breath" and "bated breath." Well, imagine this: The master of the house went out for a day of fishing. The ever faithful valet tagged along as required of his duties. Imagine a calm scene with two gentlemen out there on the lake: the master, he with his fishing rod probing the waters for an unfortunate but willing prey; the valet, he with his seemingly endless patience hoping the engagement would end soon with the catch of the day. The caption reads: "The servant waits while the master baits." |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1224 Registered: Aug-04 | The Grass is greener A lawyer was driving in his beemer and noticed with astonishment, a man on the sidewalk on his hands and knees chewing on the spindly grass. He stopped the car, got out and walked up to the prone man and asked why he was eating grass. The man said it was because he was destitute and starving. The lawyer though a moment then told the man that he would take him home and look after him. The man said he had a wife and two kids who were starving also. The lawyer said that was no problem and to bring them along as well. He would take care of them all. The poor man broke down and blessed the lawyer for his kindness. The lawyer said, "Think nothing of it, my friend. Actually it is I who should be thanking you; you have solved the problem I have been having with my large estate. It's been almost impossible to keep the grass below a foot in height." |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 418 Registered: Mar-04 | A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 35,' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47,' the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.' |
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Bronze Member Username: Touche6784Post Number: 98 Registered: Nov-04 | this site has some really funny dialogues that some of you guys may find funny. let me know what you think. some jokes would be more appreciated by the newer internet generation. http://www.bash.org/?top i hope this isn't too over the top. |
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Bronze Member Username: Touche6784Post Number: 99 Registered: Nov-04 | A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off." |
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Bronze Member Username: Touche6784Post Number: 100 Registered: Nov-04 | <ben> How do i turn on my mic? <mike6789> Well I tickle mine, that turns mine on ;-) ... <ben> It still isnt on. <lop12>lmfao |
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Marc C Unregistered guest | I'm drinking at this bar, and the guy next to me falls off his barstool. So I pick him back up, put him on his stool, he falls over again. I pick him up, and he falls over. I decide to take the poor guy home, and on the way out the bar, he keeps falling over. I get him outside, he falls on the walkway. We finally get to my car and the guy falls again. I get the guy in my car and drive him home. We're going up the walkway to his house and he falls. I pick him back up, and drag him up the stairs. Holding him against the house I ring the doorbell...and he falls once more. A lady answers the door and I say,"Ma'am, here's your husband...I brought him home from the bar..." She looks at me and says,"Where's his wheelchair?" (That one was from when I saw Henny Youngman sometime in the late 80's...) |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 240 Registered: Jun-04 | i before e except after c. We live in a weird society! |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1331 Registered: Aug-04 | A skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the barman, "Give me a pitcher of beer - and a mop!" |
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J. Vigne Unregistered guest | A duck walks in to a bar. The duck says nothing to the barman. Ducks can't talk. it's all in the delivery. |
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Silver Member Username: OjophileON Post Number: 243 Registered: Jun-04 | What a coincidence! A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too" she added, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence," the woman said. "For years, my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched c o c k s," the farmer replied. "What a coincidence!" she said.  |
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J. Vigne Unregistered guest | FILTHY, FILTHY, FILTHY!!! I am so APPALLED. It was funny though. |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1379 Registered: Aug-04 | A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Suddenly, the woman's husband arrives home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here". The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks,"How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says," That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that - it's like robbery. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here". The priest says, "Don't start that s-h-i-t again...." |
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Silver Member Username: Touche6784Post Number: 149 Registered: Nov-04 | HAHA, that was a good one my rantz |
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Silver Member Username: VarneyBirminghamEngland, UK Post Number: 342 Registered: Sep-04 | A white horse enters a bar. The barman says "What can I get you?" The horse replies, "I'd like a glass of Whisky please". Barmans exclaims - Ha! That's real funny - we have a bottle of whisky named after you!" The horse replies "What? You mean you have a bottle of whisky called Gavin?" |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 603 Registered: Oct-04 | Soooo - a young, attractive redhead walks into a doctor's office, and says "doctor, I can't stand it anymore. Everywhere I touch my body, it hurts something awful!" "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." So - the redhead takes her finger and touches her elbow, and screams in pain. Then she touches her forehead and screams out again." The doctor tells her to stop, and says to her: "you're not really a redhead, are you?" Shocked, the woman answers: "why no, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," says the doctor, "your finger is broken!" (drum roll, please) |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1394 Registered: Aug-04 | heh, heh, heh,heh - my wife is hunting you Larry! |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1395 Registered: Aug-04 | The priest was conducting mass when all of a sudden, the rear doors were thrown open and there stood a luscious red-headed young lady dressed in a very short mini-skirt. As she noticed all eyes turn in her direction, she hurried to the only empty seat on the front pew, sat and crossed her legs. The priest was dumbfounded, he thought she was familiar and turned to his alter boy. The priest asked, "Look on the front row - that pretty young red-head - is that Fanny Green?" The young lad replied, "Oh no Father, it's just the way the sunlight is coming through the stained glass window." |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2796 Registered: Dec-03 | [Weep]. There is a station on the London Underground called Turnham Green, as in, "Do you know the way to....?" Now I know the answer. A stained glass window. |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 605 Registered: Oct-04 | My Rantz: Adage #1 - never let a blonde friend or family member read any of the "blonde jokes." That way, I don't have to look over my shoulder constantly. BANG! - whizzzzzzzzzzzzz - whew, missed me (this time!) (grin) I supposed I could write in some Canuck jokes - heck, that's my background, and I poke fun at "us" all dah thyme.. . |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzPost Number: 1454 Registered: Aug-04 | Keith Richards was standing on the sand on the beach at Brighton with a fishing rod in hand. As he was casting he was daydreaming about the upcoming Stones World Tour, that and maybe a bit of a hangover was the reason for his lack of concentration. At the same time, a holidaying Irish catholic priest who had been enjoying an early morning dip in the cold briny was heading back to the shore when suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his cheek. He put his hand up to touch the spot and saw that it was bleeding. He quickly discovered that he had been hooked by a fishing line and saw the culprit heading towards him through the shallow water. Keith said, "I'm very sorry sir, I wasn't paying attention when I cast out." The priest replied angrilly, "Who in heck do you think you are - Mick Jagger?" |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2850 Registered: Dec-03 | Er, well, Brian... (must be something around "cast out"....?; name of a Stones song...?;...?) |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 428 Registered: Mar-04 | Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his member into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my member into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean , what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too." |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 772 Registered: Oct-04 | An Irish Fight Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy . "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 436 Registered: Mar-04 | Subject: obituary Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - reports of a six-year-old boy charged with $exual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. He didn't improve much when a handful of veteran police administrators took the word of Amnesty International over fellow police officers across the country and pulled their Tasers off the street waiting on "more testing" to see if the Tasers really are working. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember! him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing----------------- |
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Gold Member Username: John_aPost Number: 2900 Registered: Dec-03 | That is not a joke, Sem! "Many a true word is spoken in jest". I read a report this week about how women in the British army sustain hugely more injuries in practice combat when they are treated the same as men. When allowance is made for their "gender" (which is "discrimination" and therefore illegal) then their injury rate goes down to only about five times that of men. What a moral problem. Obviously nature, and evolution, has not read the rules concerning political correctness. It is surely time to put that right.... |
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Silver Member Username: Larry_rNaples, FL Post Number: 819 Registered: Oct-04 | Sem: As a "recoveriing journalist" I find your posting a grim reminder of all the times when I had to deal with, yes, the "death" of Common Sense. Thank you, sir. Though I know the posting was meant to exude a sense of humor, to many of us it had a dual meaning - and something to work over with the little gray cells. God Rest His Soul. . . |
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Silver Member Username: Two_centsPost Number: 548 Registered: Feb-04 | Here's some sage relationship advice I heard recently for women looking for a boyfriend: 1. Find a man who has a stable job and a good income; 2. Find a man who makes you laugh; 3. Find a man who listens to you and understands your feelings; 4. Find a man who spoils you and treats you like a queen; 5. And make sure the four of them never meet. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 2943 Registered: Dec-03 | Brilliant, 2c. Here is another one for SM/Ghia. Pasted from an e-mail from a friend. A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzThe Land Dow... Post Number: 1693 Registered: Aug-04 | I put this story here as I wasn't sure where to post it. It is one about a parent's nightmare. The mother went into her fourteen year old daughter's bedroom to get her out of bed and ready for school. Her daughter was nowhere to be seen and the mother assumed she had left for school early - until she saw the note on the pillow cover. It read: Dear Mother, I know this will come as a shock to you but I have left home to go and live with Bob. Please don't worry as we will be okay. Bob makes a good living selling drugs and managing prostitutes. Bob loves me very much and I love him too even though he has AIDS. He say the AIDS shouldn't affect our baby - oh! I almost forgot to tell you that I am pregnant. Today Bob is taking me to get some tatoos and some piercings as he says it will help me to conform to his image. He's says it will help me get respected in his hood. Again, please don't worry mum, 'cause Bob has this really big handgun and besides he's really big and very fit considering his age. Bob says I'm a lot prettier than his first two wives. Bob says I don't have to go to school as he will take good care of me forever and he promised he will never end up in prison again. So don't worry about me mummy, I love you and I hope you can understand why I have left. I hope we can see each other sometime in the future. Your loving daughter P.S. Of course none of this is true mother. I just wanted you to realise that there are worse things in life than a bad report card. It is in my top drawer ready for you to sign it. I'll do better next term, I promise. See you after school Love Karen. Love & kisses |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 3679 Registered: May-04 | Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of the United States. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark, storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and wave hit him and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!" They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately in need of warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us now without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!" |
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Gold Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 1121 Registered: Dec-03 | Didn't Mr. Peabody and Sherman do an episode on that very event? I think they did. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 3683 Registered: May-04 | Oh, dear, I'm so embarrased. Ok, I don't remember who Mr. P and Sherman are. Anybody buying that? |
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Gold Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 1122 Registered: Dec-03 | NO! LOL!!!! Speaking of which, it reminds my of the time one of my salesmen had a beautiful Russian woman for a client. She was the spitting image of Paulina Poroskova. I mean drop dead gorgeous. He came into my office and asked if I had noticed her. "How could you miss her?", I replied. He said he would give her $1000 if she would whisper "Moose and Squirrel" in his ear. I was on the floor with that one....................... |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 3685 Registered: May-04 | HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 3686 Registered: May-04 | I think I've mentioned that Jimmy Connors' (the tennis player) future wife came in to buy a hifi at the first store I worked at in 1975. She had just been Playm@te of the Month a short time prior to this visit and had cash to spend. There were two other salespeople in the store at the time and Jay Evans (Pops of another story) recognized her - with her clothes on - and got to wait on her. She was bending over to look at the speakers, leaning forward to hear the music, and generally displaying her pulchritudinous virtues in a Playm@te sort of fashion. When she had chosen her system, paid and left, we all wanted to know how Jay could get close enough to the cash register to make the deal what with the obvious bulge in his trousers. |
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Gold Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 1124 Registered: Dec-03 | LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PULCHRITUDINOUS! Very impressive. My compliments. |
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Gold Member Username: Jan_b_vigneDallas, TX Post Number: 3689 Registered: May-04 | indubidoubley! |
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Gold Member Username: Rick_bNew York USA Post Number: 1125 Registered: Dec-03 | Jan, One other thing I want you to ponder. If you went up to someone today and said "Plunk your Magic Twanger Froggy, do you think you would be arrested for lewd and lacivious behavior? |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzThe Land Dow... Post Number: 1872 Registered: Aug-04 | On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get help. The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny car. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him after tying the other end to the rear bumper of the car. The chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse. Happy and proud the chicken drove the car back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best Buddies, best Pals. A few weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his thing and he would lift him out. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out saving his life. The Moral Of The Story............ When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 470 Registered: Mar-04 | 70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship ! with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!" |
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Gold Member Username: MyrantzThe Land Dow... Post Number: 2118 Registered: Aug-04 | A guy who is attending a Hi FI convention in Dallas, Texas, is relieving himself in a urinal in the hotel toilet. Another guy comes in and steps up to the adjoining urinal, looks at his neighbour, grins, and opens his fly. Thud! The first guy is stunned. He is astounded by the massive thing that the guy beside him was now trying to lift and aim into his urinal. As he had always been a little embarrassed by his own wee weenie, he just had to ask because he knew the thing this guy had was not natural. "It was a gift from a magic elephant," the guy replied. "Yeah, sure," said the disbeliving wee weenie guy. So the guy finished tucking the huge thing back into his pants and told wee weenie the story. He had been on a safari in Kenya. They came upon this poor old elephant that had become stuck firm in a muddy boghole. The guy worked out a way to get the poor beast out with ropes, pulleys and assistance from the others in the safari. Once freed, the elephant spoke, he said, "Thankyou so much for saving my life." After the initial shock, the guy had told the elephant it was no problem and that it was what any decent human would do. As it turned out, the elephant was a magic elephant and rewarded the guy with a free wish. The guy had at that time, a very tiny weenie that had caused him a lot of embarrassment also, so, thinking it was a joke of some sort, he had said to the elephant, "I'd like one as big as yours." The elephant replied, "Sure, when you get back to Dallas and get off the plane, jump once on the tarmac and your wish will be granted. The guy said to wee weenie, "You can imagine the shock I got when I jumped on the tarmac at Dallas that day!" A couple of months later, wee weenie steps off a plane at the Dallas airport. He has a huge grin on his face. He is the happiest man in the world as he knows he is only a few steps from having his wish granted. He too had saved the life of a talking elephant. He contained his eagerness and casually descended the stairs from the plane. When his feet were firmly on the tarmac, he let out a loud ear-piercing yell and lept into the air with glee. And split completely in half when he landed. |
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Silver Member Username: SemNew York USA Post Number: 543 Registered: Mar-04 | Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, --- thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. |
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Gold Member Username: John_aLondonU.K. Post Number: 3892 Registered: Dec-03 | Brilliant, Sem. |
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Gold Member Username: NuckParkhill, Ontario Canada Post Number: 1097 Registered: Dec-04 | Celine Dion and Jay Leno walk into a bar, and the barkeep says'Hey, why the long faces'? |
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Silver Member Username: My_rantzAustralia Post Number: 235 Registered: Nov-05 | The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She is relentless, unforgiving and goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and relies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I got golf." Heart Surgeon's Funeral! One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"... Pull The Plug! A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. |
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